Okay, Ambien is a pill that works as an upper to me....
I need to sleep... I have strange dreams....
Blogging is fun but I have ran outa wit....
My kids are getting older so this Christmas is kinda sad... not a lot of excitement as usual... makes me sad...
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Beer and a Bible
I celebrated my birthday yesterday and my day started at church....
How often I don't talk to those I love about really living sat in. How can I talk to someone about God with a beer in one hand and the Bible in the other? I would always think "one more party to go to then I'll be a good Christian woman" the parties just kept coming, my excuse was "this is the last time"
My love for those that are close to me is nothing if I do not share what God has done for us... He died for me... for you... what in this life is worth anything??
Those who doubt God, His sacrifice for us, His birth and the Cross need to hear what I have to say.
It is not by works, it is through Christ alone that we enter the kingdom of heaven.
Yes, my friend... I am talking to YOU.... my love goes beyond this life and into the next.... listen to me... I love you!!
How often I don't talk to those I love about really living sat in. How can I talk to someone about God with a beer in one hand and the Bible in the other? I would always think "one more party to go to then I'll be a good Christian woman" the parties just kept coming, my excuse was "this is the last time"
My love for those that are close to me is nothing if I do not share what God has done for us... He died for me... for you... what in this life is worth anything??
Those who doubt God, His sacrifice for us, His birth and the Cross need to hear what I have to say.
It is not by works, it is through Christ alone that we enter the kingdom of heaven.
Yes, my friend... I am talking to YOU.... my love goes beyond this life and into the next.... listen to me... I love you!!
Monday, November 30, 2009
December
December is a month I find hard to handle. Not because of depression issues but because what have I done with my life since the last one?
A lot this year... haha
I ended up on dissability, missing my job a LOT, sleeping to pass time.
Not how I want my last Christmas with all my kids home to be remembered....
How will I make a difference this coming year?? I am excited to see what changes will come in myself and in my family. I trust God has me in his hands and will guide me where I need to go and help me do what I need to do.
I am up and happy today, a list as long as my arm of things that need to be done.
Better get to work!!
A lot this year... haha
I ended up on dissability, missing my job a LOT, sleeping to pass time.
Not how I want my last Christmas with all my kids home to be remembered....
How will I make a difference this coming year?? I am excited to see what changes will come in myself and in my family. I trust God has me in his hands and will guide me where I need to go and help me do what I need to do.
I am up and happy today, a list as long as my arm of things that need to be done.
Better get to work!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Bluured Vision
Day after day I wake with the knowing of how today will go... it's so mundane, so natural and so lonely...
1- wake up
2- smile so Nathan feels good
3- try to stay awake for Danni
4- take pills, sleep
5- wake up for Todd
6 - take more pills and sleep again...
Day after day, same routine, same sadness and feeling of dread consumes me. Trying to be okay is tiring, I look at all my meds, they're not locked up anymore. I fantasize of taking them all. I have the perfect amount, I know this because of research... haha.. yup..
I don't give in, I remember Nathans scream when I passed out, I remember the pain I caused when I last attempted but the feeling of emptiness is so huge I am numb. Burn, cut? scream and throw a fit?? What do I do to feel?
So today I pondered this... What if I am normal, that 99% of the world is sad and lonely and those that are truly happy are the not-so-normal people?? What if the lines between what is normal and what isn't have been blurred by society the same as what is marketed as beautiful? Stick think people with perfect skin? What if this is a medicine marketing thing to keep us in such a state of despair we take their drugs and hope for the best?? Yes, I sound like my mother-in-law, completely mad and out of my mind... gotta laugh at myself...
So, is it possible that 99%of people out there have a blurred sense of vision as to what is normal??
God, I hope so because if this is what I have to look forward to day after day I hope my days are up soon and not by my own hands...
Is it possible I am attacked by a demon?? yep, I believe this.. I think I am possessed...
another sadness... when I give up why is it that the people that "love me" don't help me??? Why is it that I hear everyone yelling about the house being so dirty but everyone looking at me to fix it?? I am not working because I cannot, NOT because I don't want to. I have lost all sense of who I am without something outside this house. I walked into Mediconnect, a place I felt the most confident for the longest time and felt scared, sad and like I was floating through a memory, it wasn't real....
Will I ever fit in again? Will I ever wake up and actually thank God for the new morning? I doubt it. I just have to paint on my happy face, maybe take something to give me energy and try to make this house clean.,...lol... is the only thing I can think of today, aside from making dinner and talking to my family as if I am normal...it's funny to me. It's funny at how me being here is what has to happen... when is it going to be my turn to be selfish and run like I want??? Never? How depressing.....
I know that you people who read this and love me will be saddened by my words or laugh or not understand but you know what?? It's me. Mom, Sister, daughter, friend, wife... where is Vickie in all this?? She is left needing new glasses and a sense of what life is like without blurred vision...
Love you all...
your fat, suicidal, possessed Woman
Posted by Vickie at 7:27 AM 0 comments
1- wake up
2- smile so Nathan feels good
3- try to stay awake for Danni
4- take pills, sleep
5- wake up for Todd
6 - take more pills and sleep again...
Day after day, same routine, same sadness and feeling of dread consumes me. Trying to be okay is tiring, I look at all my meds, they're not locked up anymore. I fantasize of taking them all. I have the perfect amount, I know this because of research... haha.. yup..
I don't give in, I remember Nathans scream when I passed out, I remember the pain I caused when I last attempted but the feeling of emptiness is so huge I am numb. Burn, cut? scream and throw a fit?? What do I do to feel?
So today I pondered this... What if I am normal, that 99% of the world is sad and lonely and those that are truly happy are the not-so-normal people?? What if the lines between what is normal and what isn't have been blurred by society the same as what is marketed as beautiful? Stick think people with perfect skin? What if this is a medicine marketing thing to keep us in such a state of despair we take their drugs and hope for the best?? Yes, I sound like my mother-in-law, completely mad and out of my mind... gotta laugh at myself...
So, is it possible that 99%of people out there have a blurred sense of vision as to what is normal??
God, I hope so because if this is what I have to look forward to day after day I hope my days are up soon and not by my own hands...
Is it possible I am attacked by a demon?? yep, I believe this.. I think I am possessed...
another sadness... when I give up why is it that the people that "love me" don't help me??? Why is it that I hear everyone yelling about the house being so dirty but everyone looking at me to fix it?? I am not working because I cannot, NOT because I don't want to. I have lost all sense of who I am without something outside this house. I walked into Mediconnect, a place I felt the most confident for the longest time and felt scared, sad and like I was floating through a memory, it wasn't real....
Will I ever fit in again? Will I ever wake up and actually thank God for the new morning? I doubt it. I just have to paint on my happy face, maybe take something to give me energy and try to make this house clean.,...lol... is the only thing I can think of today, aside from making dinner and talking to my family as if I am normal...it's funny to me. It's funny at how me being here is what has to happen... when is it going to be my turn to be selfish and run like I want??? Never? How depressing.....
I know that you people who read this and love me will be saddened by my words or laugh or not understand but you know what?? It's me. Mom, Sister, daughter, friend, wife... where is Vickie in all this?? She is left needing new glasses and a sense of what life is like without blurred vision...
Love you all...
your fat, suicidal, possessed Woman
Posted by Vickie at 7:27 AM 0 comments
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Dreams!
I have had a self revelation in the past few weeks all because of dreams.... haha.. sounds funny, eh?
I have dreamt that Mike moved away and I never heard from him again, I have had two dreams involving Tricia being best friends with Angie the slut from NC and then another family... lol... gotta admit this is funny... Todd kissing another girl on my birthday. Danielle moving to another state.. I see it... The people I love the most and am so attached to are putting me on the lookout for the floor to drop again...
I know I never have to worry about this, I think it's how I have lived most of my life... waiting for something bad to happen and keeping myself low so I don't feel the pain as bad... is that a way to live??
No! I had another cancer scare (gets tiring) my Dr had me set up to see an oncologist but my blood came back okay... 2 months ago I would have been so sad to realize I wasn't dying..lol.. now, when I was again told about the possibility of cancer, I was scared... learning I was okay and hearing Todd's simple and sweet question "I'm not losing you?" made me so happy...
I will always have physical issues, is a part of the symptoms of PTST... I just gotta stop allowing it to rule my life!!
My family and friends are too important to me!!
I have dreamt that Mike moved away and I never heard from him again, I have had two dreams involving Tricia being best friends with Angie the slut from NC and then another family... lol... gotta admit this is funny... Todd kissing another girl on my birthday. Danielle moving to another state.. I see it... The people I love the most and am so attached to are putting me on the lookout for the floor to drop again...
I know I never have to worry about this, I think it's how I have lived most of my life... waiting for something bad to happen and keeping myself low so I don't feel the pain as bad... is that a way to live??
No! I had another cancer scare (gets tiring) my Dr had me set up to see an oncologist but my blood came back okay... 2 months ago I would have been so sad to realize I wasn't dying..lol.. now, when I was again told about the possibility of cancer, I was scared... learning I was okay and hearing Todd's simple and sweet question "I'm not losing you?" made me so happy...
I will always have physical issues, is a part of the symptoms of PTST... I just gotta stop allowing it to rule my life!!
My family and friends are too important to me!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
My Kids
I haven't blogged in a long time. Not sure why, just haven't had much to say.
My daughter turns 18 very soon and that makes me sad, it's my first baby all grown up (somewhat)
My son told me me he has thought of killing himself and is depressed... that about killed me, he said it bothered him that I sleep a lot and I am the only one he can talk to so I stopped taking my meds to make sure I am awake for him... slowing my progress some but he is worth my sanity and life.
I feel sad and bored most the time... not sure what to do with myself, I am so used to working that being at home is hard to do for so long. I need a hobby!
My daughter turns 18 very soon and that makes me sad, it's my first baby all grown up (somewhat)
My son told me me he has thought of killing himself and is depressed... that about killed me, he said it bothered him that I sleep a lot and I am the only one he can talk to so I stopped taking my meds to make sure I am awake for him... slowing my progress some but he is worth my sanity and life.
I feel sad and bored most the time... not sure what to do with myself, I am so used to working that being at home is hard to do for so long. I need a hobby!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Blogging
I find it funny that there are days when I have some wit and humor, sadness and anger and lately... blank.. I am blank... Not sure what to Blog about... let me think on this...
I have a therapist that I really like and trust, I have a husband, 2 children, Mikey, my family and friends that love me... (using my logical side of my brain) I am looking at things more logical... or trying... if I die, would my family really be better? Would my friends be any better... Would that glorify God? nope... see? I am getting it... when I feel overwhelmed I am trying to use that side rather than the fight or flight in me...
I love you family and friends...
I have a therapist that I really like and trust, I have a husband, 2 children, Mikey, my family and friends that love me... (using my logical side of my brain) I am looking at things more logical... or trying... if I die, would my family really be better? Would my friends be any better... Would that glorify God? nope... see? I am getting it... when I feel overwhelmed I am trying to use that side rather than the fight or flight in me...
I love you family and friends...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Edge of What?
There are days I wake up feeling like something is very wrong... I sit and think about what is possibly bothering me... Danni will be 18, I am already scared she will not graduate. Maybe this is the dread... knowing I failed her...
The cliff I am looking over is deep.... I cannot talk to anyone because if I do, it hurts and scares those that love me...
This is a ridiculous feeling and yet I cannot control it. I wish I was better. I wish I didn't worry all the time, I wish I didn't feel like I have to work so hard around the house for love and appreciation. I wish my mind would stop running in circles and I wish that every new situation is a bad one. There has to be help... I have not given up on God, or my dad... my family or my friends... I am just tired and need to figure my head and heart out. I have no energy to explain how I feel because it is stuck in here. If you're not good at reading minds it's not gonna help talking about it. I am shaking, scared... and I need something and am not sure what it is....
Here I go again... the deep end is near for a few more days...
I pray God takes away this sadness and anger before I jump.
The cliff I am looking over is deep.... I cannot talk to anyone because if I do, it hurts and scares those that love me...
This is a ridiculous feeling and yet I cannot control it. I wish I was better. I wish I didn't worry all the time, I wish I didn't feel like I have to work so hard around the house for love and appreciation. I wish my mind would stop running in circles and I wish that every new situation is a bad one. There has to be help... I have not given up on God, or my dad... my family or my friends... I am just tired and need to figure my head and heart out. I have no energy to explain how I feel because it is stuck in here. If you're not good at reading minds it's not gonna help talking about it. I am shaking, scared... and I need something and am not sure what it is....
Here I go again... the deep end is near for a few more days...
I pray God takes away this sadness and anger before I jump.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
When Fruit sits in alcohol for a week
We had some Friends over to play poker and have a few drinks.. I was the smart one and hardly drank... just enough to feel good but not walk or talk stoopid...
My friend on the other had ate 2 pieces of the fruit which has the same effect as the worm in a tequila bottle... This was a blast... I was sober and was able to sit back and watch her antics all night.
She had decided to go on walks without telling any of us, to say the least I did more walking last night than I have in a month...
She ended up walking home and hubby left after... It was hilarious!!!
Best fun and SOBER fun I have had in a very long time...
so the next time there is juice involved.... she is not getting any!
My friend on the other had ate 2 pieces of the fruit which has the same effect as the worm in a tequila bottle... This was a blast... I was sober and was able to sit back and watch her antics all night.
She had decided to go on walks without telling any of us, to say the least I did more walking last night than I have in a month...
She ended up walking home and hubby left after... It was hilarious!!!
Best fun and SOBER fun I have had in a very long time...
so the next time there is juice involved.... she is not getting any!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
City High, What Would Yo Do?
Boys and girls, wanna hear a true story?Saturday night, was at this real wild party They had the liquor overflowin' the cup About 5, 6 strippers tryin' to work for a buck And I took one girl outside wit me Her name was Lonni, she went to Jr. High wit me I said, "Why you up in there dancin' for cash?I guess a whole lot's changed since I seen you last"She said, "What would you do if your son was at homeCryin' all alone on the bedroom floor?Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed himIs to sleep with a manFor a little bit of money and his daddy's gone Somewhere smokin' rock now In and out of lock down, I ain't got a job now So for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life"Me and my sister ran away so my daddy couldn't rape us Before I was a teenager, I done been through more shit You can't even relate to"What would you do if your son was at homeCryin' all alone on the bedroom floor?'Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed him Is to sleep with a man For a little bit of money and his daddy's gone Somewhere smokin' rock now In and out of lockdown, I ain't got a job now So for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call lifeWhat would you do if your son was at homeCryin' all alone on the bedroom floor?Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed him Is to sleep with a man For a little bit of money and his daddy's gone Somewhere smokin' rock now In and out of lockdown, I ain't got a job nowSo for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life.
This song hit me like a rock today... While I was being beat my brother was being molested by his own mother... I was adopted by my sister and her husband... I've never been a prostitute, but my brother, no where to go, lying on a bench, cuz he is homeless and hungry...the only way to feed himself was to prostitute himself... no one knew.... he was MY brother and I did not save him... I did not help him....
The evil I feel right now is scary to me.... If God didn't help me, why didn't he protect my brother...
I could kill this woman with my bare hands... and enjoy it... scared of me now?
This song hit me like a rock today... While I was being beat my brother was being molested by his own mother... I was adopted by my sister and her husband... I've never been a prostitute, but my brother, no where to go, lying on a bench, cuz he is homeless and hungry...the only way to feed himself was to prostitute himself... no one knew.... he was MY brother and I did not save him... I did not help him....
The evil I feel right now is scary to me.... If God didn't help me, why didn't he protect my brother...
I could kill this woman with my bare hands... and enjoy it... scared of me now?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Easy, Breezy, Beautiful! Cover Girl
I saw this commercial with Ellen Degeneres for cover girl age defying make up, she made a comment that made me laugh... "beauty on the inside is good but on the outside is better" her honesty through her jokes are so true.. people look for the beauty on the outside before they get to know how beautiful one is on the inside... beauty fades but a heart and love for people never fades.er
I have bout the products for outward beauty, I have spent 10.00 for a roller for under eye puffiness that doesn't work as well as my 2.00 hemorrhoid cream, I have bought many many things for the wrinkles around my lips... doesn't work, but when you're buying the product and so excited to see the results you really don't care about the price... same with diet pills... there is a standard that beauty is everything. I buy the magazines for tips on being beautiful, I buy the makeup to hide what isn't considered beautiful. I have tried almost everything that I can afford, yet, I am still overweight, I still have wrinkles and freckles...
Even with all my flaws I have people in my life that call me beautiful and love me in spite of the outer flaws....
The real love comes from God... He sees me... the real me, my thoughts, my fears ... my angry and not so christian feelings toward others... and He loves me no matter what.
If outward beauty is temporary shouldn't we all be more worried about out beauty within??
My new slogan... Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Christian Girl....
I have bout the products for outward beauty, I have spent 10.00 for a roller for under eye puffiness that doesn't work as well as my 2.00 hemorrhoid cream, I have bought many many things for the wrinkles around my lips... doesn't work, but when you're buying the product and so excited to see the results you really don't care about the price... same with diet pills... there is a standard that beauty is everything. I buy the magazines for tips on being beautiful, I buy the makeup to hide what isn't considered beautiful. I have tried almost everything that I can afford, yet, I am still overweight, I still have wrinkles and freckles...
Even with all my flaws I have people in my life that call me beautiful and love me in spite of the outer flaws....
The real love comes from God... He sees me... the real me, my thoughts, my fears ... my angry and not so christian feelings toward others... and He loves me no matter what.
If outward beauty is temporary shouldn't we all be more worried about out beauty within??
My new slogan... Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Christian Girl....
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
A Child
Holding back the tears were never hard to do, I had the act down. The child I was in public and the child I was in private. I looked like every other blue eyed, brown haired girl.
The other children so different than me. I hid my experience well as I had been instructed to do.
Where my hands should have been held with love they were placed in hands of a monster.
Where dreams of Cinderella were replaced by dread of how I would be awoken.
Will he be on top of me? Beside me? In me?
I can still smell his breath. His face more clear than my own mothers. His voice, his threats still ring through my ears. The heaviness of his body and the fear that screamed in my head afraid to scream out loud.
His hands on me, prodding me and teaching me how to touch back. He was proud of me. I touched as I was instructed. I was a quick learner... But why wasn't he teaching me to tie my shoes or how to write my name? Is this how all daddy's love? I had to wonder... Too young to know and too afraid to ask.
Hoping my mom would pick me up everyday, how I loved her. She told me stories, sang to me and held me when I cried... never knowing what was behind the eyes of her daughter.
Scared to say a word....
A letter written to Elvis... he was known as the "King" and this was my way of getting help...
I told him everything that was happening to me as legible as a 7 year old could write. I begged for him to come save me and my mommy... when I got a letter back.. the excitement and relief was dashed when it was a photo and a thank you note... he didn't read my letter. I was devastated.
Who out there could save me....?
Who cared enough to notice?
The other children so different than me. I hid my experience well as I had been instructed to do.
Where my hands should have been held with love they were placed in hands of a monster.
Where dreams of Cinderella were replaced by dread of how I would be awoken.
Will he be on top of me? Beside me? In me?
I can still smell his breath. His face more clear than my own mothers. His voice, his threats still ring through my ears. The heaviness of his body and the fear that screamed in my head afraid to scream out loud.
His hands on me, prodding me and teaching me how to touch back. He was proud of me. I touched as I was instructed. I was a quick learner... But why wasn't he teaching me to tie my shoes or how to write my name? Is this how all daddy's love? I had to wonder... Too young to know and too afraid to ask.
Hoping my mom would pick me up everyday, how I loved her. She told me stories, sang to me and held me when I cried... never knowing what was behind the eyes of her daughter.
Scared to say a word....
A letter written to Elvis... he was known as the "King" and this was my way of getting help...
I told him everything that was happening to me as legible as a 7 year old could write. I begged for him to come save me and my mommy... when I got a letter back.. the excitement and relief was dashed when it was a photo and a thank you note... he didn't read my letter. I was devastated.
Who out there could save me....?
Who cared enough to notice?
Deal or no Deal?
neurotic -
Definition:
mentally maladjusted
Synonyms:
aberrant, abnormal, anxious, basket case, bundle of nerves, choked, clutched, compulsive, deviant, disordered, disoriented, distraught, disturbed, erratic, hung up, hysteric, inhibited, manic, nervous, nervous wreck, obsessive, overwrought, psycho neurotic, unhealthy, unstable, upset, uptight, wired
Post traumatic stress disorder :
Definition:
condition following trauma
Synonyms:
PTSD, PTSS, battle fatigue, delayed-stress disorder, delayed-stress syndrome, post-traumatic stress syndrome, railway spine, shell-shock, trauma
Anxiety:
Definition:
worry, tension
Synonyms:
all-overs, angst, ants in pants, apprehension, botheration, butterflies, care, cold sweat, concern, creeps, disquiet, disquietude, distress, doubt, downer, drag*, dread, fidgets, flap, foreboding, fretfulness, fuss, goose bumps, heebie-jeebies, jitters, jumps, misery, misgiving, mistrust, nail-biting, needles, nervousness, panic, pins and needles, restlessness, shakes, shivers, solicitude, suffering, suspense, sweat*, trouble, uncertainty, unease, uneasiness, watchfulness, willies, worriment
Depression:
Synonyms:
abasement, abjection, abjectness, blahs, bleakness, blue funk, bummer, cheerlessness, dejection, desolation, desperation, despondency, disconsolation, discouragement, dispiritedness, distress, dole, dolefulness, dolor, downheartedness, dreariness, dullness, dumps, ennui, gloom, gloominess, heaviness of heart, heavyheartedness, hopelessness, lowness, lugubriosity, melancholia, melancholy, misery, mortification, qualm, sadness, sorrow, the blues, trouble, unhappiness, vapors, woefulness, worry
OCD:
Symptoms
Obsessions or compulsions that are not due to medical illness or drug use
Obsessions or compulsions that cause major distress or interfere with everyday life
An example of obsessive-compulsive disorder is excessive, repeated hand washing to ward off infection.
The person usually recognizes that the behavior is excessive or unreasonable.
Symptoms
Obsessions or compulsions that are not due to medical illness or drug use
Obsessions or compulsions that cause major distress or interfere with everyday life
An example of obsessive-compulsive disorder is excessive, repeated hand washing to ward off infection.
The person usually recognizes that the behavior is excessive or unreasonable.
Definition:
mentally maladjusted
Synonyms:
aberrant, abnormal, anxious, basket case, bundle of nerves, choked, clutched, compulsive, deviant, disordered, disoriented, distraught, disturbed, erratic, hung up, hysteric, inhibited, manic, nervous, nervous wreck, obsessive, overwrought, psycho neurotic, unhealthy, unstable, upset, uptight, wired
Post traumatic stress disorder :
Definition:
condition following trauma
Synonyms:
PTSD, PTSS, battle fatigue, delayed-stress disorder, delayed-stress syndrome, post-traumatic stress syndrome, railway spine, shell-shock, trauma
Anxiety:
Definition:
worry, tension
Synonyms:
all-overs, angst, ants in pants, apprehension, botheration, butterflies, care, cold sweat, concern, creeps, disquiet, disquietude, distress, doubt, downer, drag*, dread, fidgets, flap, foreboding, fretfulness, fuss, goose bumps, heebie-jeebies, jitters, jumps, misery, misgiving, mistrust, nail-biting, needles, nervousness, panic, pins and needles, restlessness, shakes, shivers, solicitude, suffering, suspense, sweat*, trouble, uncertainty, unease, uneasiness, watchfulness, willies, worriment
Depression:
Synonyms:
abasement, abjection, abjectness, blahs, bleakness, blue funk, bummer, cheerlessness, dejection, desolation, desperation, despondency, disconsolation, discouragement, dispiritedness, distress, dole, dolefulness, dolor, downheartedness, dreariness, dullness, dumps, ennui, gloom, gloominess, heaviness of heart, heavyheartedness, hopelessness, lowness, lugubriosity, melancholia, melancholy, misery, mortification, qualm, sadness, sorrow, the blues, trouble, unhappiness, vapors, woefulness, worry
OCD:
Symptoms
Obsessions or compulsions that are not due to medical illness or drug use
Obsessions or compulsions that cause major distress or interfere with everyday life
An example of obsessive-compulsive disorder is excessive, repeated hand washing to ward off infection.
The person usually recognizes that the behavior is excessive or unreasonable.
Symptoms
Obsessions or compulsions that are not due to medical illness or drug use
Obsessions or compulsions that cause major distress or interfere with everyday life
An example of obsessive-compulsive disorder is excessive, repeated hand washing to ward off infection.
The person usually recognizes that the behavior is excessive or unreasonable.
I understand that the people in my life have a lot to take on. I am not your normal, everyday depressed, suicidal, fat Christian... seems that this "onion" has more layers than I thought possible.
The ideation of suicide is impossible to stop, for instance... my black widow nest. It was a passing but serious thought of how it would seem to be an accident, no questions asked. Hoarding pills that I had bought for the "perfect time" throwing them out and telling my husband about them (HUGE STEP!!)
My children dealing with an emotional, Self deprecating mother who had not learned simple mothering techniques from my mom...
Friends who have to worry and wonder if it's worth it?
My husband that is scared and probably tired from all my stupid mood swings... so, I ask the question.. Deal or no deal?
Can you deal? Is it possible that dealing will one day pay off? Or will I end up being that case that is holding only penny?
If the "No Deal" button is pressed... I will have to deal and will have to watch the cases open slowly and anticipating the dreaded penny as being my fate or worth.
Only time will tell........
Monday, August 31, 2009
where is he today?
I woke again with a powerful feeling of dread. Scared, not sure what to do,..,.. what do you do when you feel that your family need s you to look strong and your body cannot follow my mental urging?
Today, I ask where is God? Where is my strength? Where is my .....me?
Today, I ask where is God? Where is my strength? Where is my .....me?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Katydid or didn't he?
The other day when I noticed the Black Widow she was devouring a katydid... I'm not a fan of either bug but am terrified of the katydid and it's terrifying sound it makes..tktktktktkt. I get the heebi-jeebie's just thinking about them. I sprayed the nest and I can see there were a lot of fat ones... They are creepy but their silk they spin is amazing...I felt no remorse in killing these spiders because they had invaded my space and can be deadly, but today, on my back porch was a katydid, I grabbed the bug spray and sprayed and sprayed and sat back to make sure it was dead... he was trying to get the liquid off his antennas as fast as he could... his legs rubbing at his face... he just sat there dying and not making that sound... I watched as he fell and was making his last attempt at surviving and I had such sadness. I looked at him up close and he just looks like a living, flying leaf... I had to look up this bug that I have been so terrified of my entire life. Here is what I found:
"We mentioned in our piece on cicadas that the Katydids would begin their singing in mid-late summer. They are beginning to go strong now here in New England.
Open that window, shut off the TV, and let those wonderful, soothing, romantic, sentimental, poignant, sleepy-time night sounds roll in to feed your soul. And engrave it in your heart - we only have so many Augusts in our lives. For the katydid, it's their one and only - no wonder they sing their hearts out, until a hard frost kills them all.
You hardly ever see a Katydid - they are well-camouflaged in the green leaves but they are all over. Early evening and nighttime are when they make their music - more like Kay-did than a three-syllable tune. It sounds as if they are singing to each other. With the crickets providing the chirping background theme, it's a fine choir out there right now, at night. The bugs own the world."
I've never been one to just kill bugs, just those that scare me or are dangerous, I am the woman who sees a Rolly polly and will make sure it gets back to the grass, or when we have a rain storm and all the earthworms are forced onto our patio, I put them back where they belong also. Not because I am some weird bug lover but try to look at all bugs and figure out their purpose, there is nothing in the world that was made by accident or by man himself. There is a purpose for all creatures, right down to the ant. Bed bugs? I see no purpose for them to be in my bed...those are an enemy and someone else can figure out their purpose....
Sincerely,
The bug lady
"We mentioned in our piece on cicadas that the Katydids would begin their singing in mid-late summer. They are beginning to go strong now here in New England.
Open that window, shut off the TV, and let those wonderful, soothing, romantic, sentimental, poignant, sleepy-time night sounds roll in to feed your soul. And engrave it in your heart - we only have so many Augusts in our lives. For the katydid, it's their one and only - no wonder they sing their hearts out, until a hard frost kills them all.
You hardly ever see a Katydid - they are well-camouflaged in the green leaves but they are all over. Early evening and nighttime are when they make their music - more like Kay-did than a three-syllable tune. It sounds as if they are singing to each other. With the crickets providing the chirping background theme, it's a fine choir out there right now, at night. The bugs own the world."
I've never been one to just kill bugs, just those that scare me or are dangerous, I am the woman who sees a Rolly polly and will make sure it gets back to the grass, or when we have a rain storm and all the earthworms are forced onto our patio, I put them back where they belong also. Not because I am some weird bug lover but try to look at all bugs and figure out their purpose, there is nothing in the world that was made by accident or by man himself. There is a purpose for all creatures, right down to the ant. Bed bugs? I see no purpose for them to be in my bed...those are an enemy and someone else can figure out their purpose....
Sincerely,
The bug lady
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Mini Van
Last night six of us piled into a mini van to go to see Def Leppard, Poison and Cheap Trick...
As we drove into the venue we noticed we were six aging adults drinking coffee to stay awake past 9:00 pm on a weekend in a MINI VAN! I find it so comical..
We saw people our age, older and a lot younger rocking out to Def Leppard...
some women bringing out their denim jackets with concert pins, huge hair and a lota makeup... I dressed like that in the 80's!! I thought it was cute till I saw it again and all I can say is "what hell was I thinking" hahaha
We had lawn seating, which means no chairs, blanket only on the ground. After a 15 minute walk from the mini van to the lawn in high heel boots, the lawn was a beautiful sight. I sat down took off my boots and caught my breath. I was sore from working out that day and by that time I was done.. I was not gonna move again... but then came the beer guy... 5 beers later... no pain!
Watching these men perform was odd... They don't look like they used to, I forget that rock stars age also... They all sounded pretty good, I had to use binoculars to see them because I'm blind even with glasses... I gave up staring through the eye piece and decided to dance with the crowd... Did you know that when you move after drinking it starts kicking in more and more??
Good time....Then came the time to leave... to take a 15 minute hike up a gravel walk space in boots, blister on my heel, not drunk but tipsy that my balance was not perfect. I tripped on a larger rock and ripped my jeans and my knee... I realized at that moment... I am too old to go to a concert and vowed to never try this again....
By the time I got home my knee was a bloody mess. Bending over to take off my jeans so I could tend to my concert wound I noticed red dots on the floor, looked in the mirror and saw blood coming from my nose... haha...
Picture and older woman, sore and tired from a concert, wounded and sleepy... I had a tissue hanging from my nose and one on my knee.. my husband got a kick outa the site..
Nap time....
As we drove into the venue we noticed we were six aging adults drinking coffee to stay awake past 9:00 pm on a weekend in a MINI VAN! I find it so comical..
We saw people our age, older and a lot younger rocking out to Def Leppard...
some women bringing out their denim jackets with concert pins, huge hair and a lota makeup... I dressed like that in the 80's!! I thought it was cute till I saw it again and all I can say is "what hell was I thinking" hahaha
We had lawn seating, which means no chairs, blanket only on the ground. After a 15 minute walk from the mini van to the lawn in high heel boots, the lawn was a beautiful sight. I sat down took off my boots and caught my breath. I was sore from working out that day and by that time I was done.. I was not gonna move again... but then came the beer guy... 5 beers later... no pain!
Watching these men perform was odd... They don't look like they used to, I forget that rock stars age also... They all sounded pretty good, I had to use binoculars to see them because I'm blind even with glasses... I gave up staring through the eye piece and decided to dance with the crowd... Did you know that when you move after drinking it starts kicking in more and more??
Good time....Then came the time to leave... to take a 15 minute hike up a gravel walk space in boots, blister on my heel, not drunk but tipsy that my balance was not perfect. I tripped on a larger rock and ripped my jeans and my knee... I realized at that moment... I am too old to go to a concert and vowed to never try this again....
By the time I got home my knee was a bloody mess. Bending over to take off my jeans so I could tend to my concert wound I noticed red dots on the floor, looked in the mirror and saw blood coming from my nose... haha...
Picture and older woman, sore and tired from a concert, wounded and sleepy... I had a tissue hanging from my nose and one on my knee.. my husband got a kick outa the site..
Nap time....
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Black Widow
The night before we were going to have a yard sale we discovered a nest of black widows. They are such an amazing and scary spider. I think of the movie Charlot's Web and think how can I kill Charolet?? Can spiders and humans live in the same space? We all do all the time without knowing but when you see one it answers your question in a loud HELL NO!!!
Charlotte will have to die along with all her babies as soon as possible.. I cannot even walk into the garage without freaking out. It has become the new monster in my life. There to serve a purpose that God laid out. Monsters can change, I have witnessed that with one of my molesters, but the spider... it's life is to hunt and kill... that is one monster I am okay to eliminate and odd enough with a little sadness... what is her and the rest doing right now as I get my boots and jeans on and ready to go to spider war??
I started my body changing plan yesterday... I waled an hour on my treadmill and only made 3.5 miles.. I used to be able to run that in less than 45 minutes... it was 20 years ago, but 3.5?? I have to step it up a little...
Off to war!
Charlotte will have to die along with all her babies as soon as possible.. I cannot even walk into the garage without freaking out. It has become the new monster in my life. There to serve a purpose that God laid out. Monsters can change, I have witnessed that with one of my molesters, but the spider... it's life is to hunt and kill... that is one monster I am okay to eliminate and odd enough with a little sadness... what is her and the rest doing right now as I get my boots and jeans on and ready to go to spider war??
I started my body changing plan yesterday... I waled an hour on my treadmill and only made 3.5 miles.. I used to be able to run that in less than 45 minutes... it was 20 years ago, but 3.5?? I have to step it up a little...
Off to war!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Humpty Dumpty
I started blogging as a way to talk about the pain I have suffered and as I am with any mental health Dr. I kinda avoid this topic.
After a few hours looking into stats of what becomes of an adult after abuse.
The statistics were a sad reality for me. One quote was "Once a child has been hit, it's like Humpty Dumpty - you can never truly put that child's life back together"
I do not believe in that entirely but so far has been my case.
Sexual abuse so severe and by many, physical abuse, mental abuse... I have suffered it all.
During these years, I never doubted God but always asked "why me?" Some people believe that God isn't with those children who are being hurt. Some get angry and deny God.
The attempts at suicide, the chronic pain, weight issues, the very thought of being included in a negative statistic makes me angry.I have worked my entire adulthood trying to be "normal" taking comfort I am not an abuser, I am not in a mental hospital.... all those horror stories we have seen involving multiple personalities and in some cases murder.
Another quote:
Sexually abused children are up to 13 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide than other youngsters, a new study has found. Those who experienced four or more types of adverse childhood experiences - specifically being a victim of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, witnessing their mothers being abused, or having family members who were substance abusers, mentally ill, or imprisoned - suffered significantly more chronic disease. They were 60% more likely to have diabetes, twice as likely to suffer cancer or heart disease, and nearly 2.5 times as likely to have had a stroke. Researchers then measured ten categories of disease risk factors, including smoking, obesity, physical inactivity, depression, suicide attempts, alcoholism, drug abuse, more than 50 sexual partners during a lifetime, and a history of sexually transmitted diseases.
Physical sex was not something I have loved my entire life, so I thank God I have not had many partners.. it has taken me a long time to realize sex between married, loving couples is special and not a violation.
God has a plan for me, that I am sure of. My experiences that have hurt me will somehow help others and glorify God. I am certain of this no matter what.
So, here I sit, on my fence, praying more and more everyday, asking God to take the pencil and add to my plans to best server Him. I have great days and some pretty terrible ones. I take comfort in knowing that is not a statistic but something even the most normal people experience daily.
So how does one survive extreme abuse and become a parent and a wife and most importantly a true believer in God and what God has planed for me?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, he had a great fall... kings (men of the world) couldn't put him together again. My God can put me together again.
After a few hours looking into stats of what becomes of an adult after abuse.
The statistics were a sad reality for me. One quote was "Once a child has been hit, it's like Humpty Dumpty - you can never truly put that child's life back together"
I do not believe in that entirely but so far has been my case.
Sexual abuse so severe and by many, physical abuse, mental abuse... I have suffered it all.
During these years, I never doubted God but always asked "why me?" Some people believe that God isn't with those children who are being hurt. Some get angry and deny God.
The attempts at suicide, the chronic pain, weight issues, the very thought of being included in a negative statistic makes me angry.I have worked my entire adulthood trying to be "normal" taking comfort I am not an abuser, I am not in a mental hospital.... all those horror stories we have seen involving multiple personalities and in some cases murder.
Another quote:
Sexually abused children are up to 13 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide than other youngsters, a new study has found. Those who experienced four or more types of adverse childhood experiences - specifically being a victim of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, witnessing their mothers being abused, or having family members who were substance abusers, mentally ill, or imprisoned - suffered significantly more chronic disease. They were 60% more likely to have diabetes, twice as likely to suffer cancer or heart disease, and nearly 2.5 times as likely to have had a stroke. Researchers then measured ten categories of disease risk factors, including smoking, obesity, physical inactivity, depression, suicide attempts, alcoholism, drug abuse, more than 50 sexual partners during a lifetime, and a history of sexually transmitted diseases.
Physical sex was not something I have loved my entire life, so I thank God I have not had many partners.. it has taken me a long time to realize sex between married, loving couples is special and not a violation.
God has a plan for me, that I am sure of. My experiences that have hurt me will somehow help others and glorify God. I am certain of this no matter what.
So, here I sit, on my fence, praying more and more everyday, asking God to take the pencil and add to my plans to best server Him. I have great days and some pretty terrible ones. I take comfort in knowing that is not a statistic but something even the most normal people experience daily.
So how does one survive extreme abuse and become a parent and a wife and most importantly a true believer in God and what God has planed for me?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, he had a great fall... kings (men of the world) couldn't put him together again. My God can put me together again.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Always Kiss me Goodnight
I'm sure you have all seen these pictures to hang in your bedroom... the actual words didn't catch my eye until last night. I have read it and liked what it said but to be honest I bought it because it matched the colors of my bedroom...
I laid in bed alone last night, trying to focus on a magazine but I kept looking up at that picture and reading the words over and over again. It was like a thump on the head. This is not an order.. it is a wish. As my children grow I get fewer kisses but a lot more hugs. My heart aches for their little faces I have in memory to kiss me goodnight. As I sat in bed, trying to stay awake for Todd to come home and give me a kiss so I felt like the statement was serving more of a purpose than an art piece on my wall... he came home after I was asleep... and he kissed my forehead and in my asleep state I smiled because I had that kiss.
What about those people have no one to kiss them goodnight, hug them when they are sad, sit with them and talk for hours about nothing? What happens to their hearts? Do they break or do they harden? Do they crave love and are too afraid to find it? Scared of rejection? Maybe those people that have been put into nursing homes to finish their lives without the people they were there for their entire lives, do they miss the kisses at bedtime? What about the children who are in pain? Abused, unloved and unwanted..
The homeless people we pass daily, we never make eye contact...why? Is it because they disgust us or is it because we feel like there is nothing we can do? They crave love like the rest of us and that simple "I love you" kiss.... a conversation, the kindness of human contact, a shake of the hand, a how are you? Just being recognised as a human... how many of us walk past them as fast as we can but if we see an animal on pain or lost we stop and try to help? Do these people not deserve at the very least the same if not more? We need to make changes in our hearts to affect those in need.
I have been trying to put together a charity for the homeless, have been trying how to get it going for almost a year now. It is called "Socks For Souls". Notice I use the soul and not sole... I am trying to gather as many warm clothing and packages of unused socks and hand deliver these and actually let them know I care. Ask their names... shake their hand... give hugs when needed...
I need to do my part as a Christian and a human to surrender to those in need...
So, my "kiss me goodnight" sunk in deeper than ever and will always be a plea in my heart and not an order.
I laid in bed alone last night, trying to focus on a magazine but I kept looking up at that picture and reading the words over and over again. It was like a thump on the head. This is not an order.. it is a wish. As my children grow I get fewer kisses but a lot more hugs. My heart aches for their little faces I have in memory to kiss me goodnight. As I sat in bed, trying to stay awake for Todd to come home and give me a kiss so I felt like the statement was serving more of a purpose than an art piece on my wall... he came home after I was asleep... and he kissed my forehead and in my asleep state I smiled because I had that kiss.
What about those people have no one to kiss them goodnight, hug them when they are sad, sit with them and talk for hours about nothing? What happens to their hearts? Do they break or do they harden? Do they crave love and are too afraid to find it? Scared of rejection? Maybe those people that have been put into nursing homes to finish their lives without the people they were there for their entire lives, do they miss the kisses at bedtime? What about the children who are in pain? Abused, unloved and unwanted..
The homeless people we pass daily, we never make eye contact...why? Is it because they disgust us or is it because we feel like there is nothing we can do? They crave love like the rest of us and that simple "I love you" kiss.... a conversation, the kindness of human contact, a shake of the hand, a how are you? Just being recognised as a human... how many of us walk past them as fast as we can but if we see an animal on pain or lost we stop and try to help? Do these people not deserve at the very least the same if not more? We need to make changes in our hearts to affect those in need.
I have been trying to put together a charity for the homeless, have been trying how to get it going for almost a year now. It is called "Socks For Souls". Notice I use the soul and not sole... I am trying to gather as many warm clothing and packages of unused socks and hand deliver these and actually let them know I care. Ask their names... shake their hand... give hugs when needed...
I need to do my part as a Christian and a human to surrender to those in need...
So, my "kiss me goodnight" sunk in deeper than ever and will always be a plea in my heart and not an order.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Things are Just Things!
I don't know how many times in my life I have stated " I love things" and I truly do. I love my purses, shoes, house... my nic-nac's... they are my "things" but are things really that important?
When I walk into a store, I dash to the bag's and shoes and perfumes..I am a "thing" shopper and I know what I want and at times no matter what the situation is I buy those things and suffer the consequences later... until recently.
I have things that God allows me to have and these things I feel so attached to are temporary. Am I truly living by God's words when I put so much hope and energy into things? No, not at all... My home and everything in it belongs to God. He gives and takes away.. my energy is no longer about my possessions but about God, letting others see God through me.
I recently heard on K-Love radio how this college graduate had all her plans written on paper and gave God the eraser and go by His plan...
I have started with a blank piece of paper and have given God the pencil. Amazing thing to let go of your worldly things and ask God to give me what I need.
My glasses have been broke for so long, I fixed them with a small screw instead of spending money to buy a new pair, not only is my vision fixed but I can truly SEE. God gives us eyes so that we may see Him and ears so we can hear Him.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me, I could lose my house, all my "things" but I know it is God moving me from these things so I can fulfil His purpose. Loss is a lesson and gain can be too if used by God's will... not my own.
So, yes, things are JUST things. The people in my life now and for those to come is what I have replaced things with. My faith and trust is no longer in a paycheck but what God lays on my heart.
The people that I allow to read these are the most important people in my life.. I love and cherish you all more than any"thing" I have.
When I walk into a store, I dash to the bag's and shoes and perfumes..I am a "thing" shopper and I know what I want and at times no matter what the situation is I buy those things and suffer the consequences later... until recently.
I have things that God allows me to have and these things I feel so attached to are temporary. Am I truly living by God's words when I put so much hope and energy into things? No, not at all... My home and everything in it belongs to God. He gives and takes away.. my energy is no longer about my possessions but about God, letting others see God through me.
I recently heard on K-Love radio how this college graduate had all her plans written on paper and gave God the eraser and go by His plan...
I have started with a blank piece of paper and have given God the pencil. Amazing thing to let go of your worldly things and ask God to give me what I need.
My glasses have been broke for so long, I fixed them with a small screw instead of spending money to buy a new pair, not only is my vision fixed but I can truly SEE. God gives us eyes so that we may see Him and ears so we can hear Him.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me, I could lose my house, all my "things" but I know it is God moving me from these things so I can fulfil His purpose. Loss is a lesson and gain can be too if used by God's will... not my own.
So, yes, things are JUST things. The people in my life now and for those to come is what I have replaced things with. My faith and trust is no longer in a paycheck but what God lays on my heart.
The people that I allow to read these are the most important people in my life.. I love and cherish you all more than any"thing" I have.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Your what hurts?
I am overwhelmed by the friendships and the love from these people and for some reason now more than ever..
Today, it's Mikey who is on my mind... I have known this man for years and love him more today than I did 7 years ago. Our friendship has been up and down but has been the most solid man in my life. He can push my buttons to get all my anger out and he doesn't hate when I am done yelling and swearing at him... He is also the one person that can make me gag at any time he pleases...lol
He loves doing and saying things he knows will cause my tummy to turn over... chicken fat that he pretended was snot is one HUGE incident I remember, I am not even gonna talk about anymore cuz my stomach wavers at just typing it... BUT I have one thing I can do that causes him to gag, chew my nails off and spit them at him...lololol... I love it! And I am holding off the chewing until he comes over.... haha... yup... I am gonna make him gag!!
He has loved me through a lot of things and changes... has taken care of me so many times I cannot even count the times... he has loved my kids... even took care of them for me on many occasions... brings to mind the time he woke my kids up an hour early on April fools day rushing them to get ready telling them they are an hour late... Ohhh whata laugh
He has encouraged my husband and has loved him through it all... How is it I am so blessed??
How is it he cannot see how HIS presence in my life is a blessing. How can he not see that he has done wonders for my family??
He pushes us to think, he loves us when we spend too much money and will still make me see where I messed up...
He gave me the most memorable birthday ever...
Took me and Nathan to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch to celebrate my day. He let the staff know it was my birthday and had assumed they would just come over and sing Happy Birthday to me... but nooooooooo... They came at me with a cowgirl hat and a stick pony...lol.. I refused but the staff was relentless... They would not leave my table until I rode around the restaurant on this pony while they sung happy birthday... I looked over at him as I passed and could see he was in shock and was not able to stop laughing, still makes my son laugh remembering his mom and how embarrassed I was... now I sit back and think... wow... I will remember that day for the rest of my life and it still makes me smile.. and I will refuse to go there in the month of December for the rest of my life too....lol
He has surprised me many times by cleaning my house, doing my laundry and he has helped me through many stomach flu's.... he is my best man friend... I feel safe and trust him with my life...
I love you, Mikey!!
Today, it's Mikey who is on my mind... I have known this man for years and love him more today than I did 7 years ago. Our friendship has been up and down but has been the most solid man in my life. He can push my buttons to get all my anger out and he doesn't hate when I am done yelling and swearing at him... He is also the one person that can make me gag at any time he pleases...lol
He loves doing and saying things he knows will cause my tummy to turn over... chicken fat that he pretended was snot is one HUGE incident I remember, I am not even gonna talk about anymore cuz my stomach wavers at just typing it... BUT I have one thing I can do that causes him to gag, chew my nails off and spit them at him...lololol... I love it! And I am holding off the chewing until he comes over.... haha... yup... I am gonna make him gag!!
He has loved me through a lot of things and changes... has taken care of me so many times I cannot even count the times... he has loved my kids... even took care of them for me on many occasions... brings to mind the time he woke my kids up an hour early on April fools day rushing them to get ready telling them they are an hour late... Ohhh whata laugh
He has encouraged my husband and has loved him through it all... How is it I am so blessed??
How is it he cannot see how HIS presence in my life is a blessing. How can he not see that he has done wonders for my family??
He pushes us to think, he loves us when we spend too much money and will still make me see where I messed up...
He gave me the most memorable birthday ever...
Took me and Nathan to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch to celebrate my day. He let the staff know it was my birthday and had assumed they would just come over and sing Happy Birthday to me... but nooooooooo... They came at me with a cowgirl hat and a stick pony...lol.. I refused but the staff was relentless... They would not leave my table until I rode around the restaurant on this pony while they sung happy birthday... I looked over at him as I passed and could see he was in shock and was not able to stop laughing, still makes my son laugh remembering his mom and how embarrassed I was... now I sit back and think... wow... I will remember that day for the rest of my life and it still makes me smile.. and I will refuse to go there in the month of December for the rest of my life too....lol
He has surprised me many times by cleaning my house, doing my laundry and he has helped me through many stomach flu's.... he is my best man friend... I feel safe and trust him with my life...
I love you, Mikey!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Berries-on-a-ship
This girl I have known for most of my life is really sick. I've been worried about her many times but never this bad. An infection in her meds line that goes to her heart is infected and she also has a blood infection. This is scary...
Makes me remember a million things about her and I, so I have decided to dedicate this one to Her!
I met this girl in high school... she was a year younger and 10 years younger in innocence til I came along. She sat directly behind me and believe it or not, my husband sat the next one to her.. I could not stand either one...lol... makes me laugh now because they have become a part of me, not only family but a physical part. I thought she was a snob when I first met her and people would tell me she is a tattle-tale. Me being a "cool kid" had nothing to do with her.. I hung with those who were like me, experienced in life and mature. Until one day...
She had never said a word to me in the months I sat behind her.. the first words she asked me is "Are you a virgin because I am and I am not sure if I want to have sex with my boyfriend" I was in shock for many reasons.. weird ice-breaker and the fact this snobby girl who looked so innocent was pondering virginity.. I sat there stunned, staring at her and busted out laughing... she took that as a mean way to answer and said excuuuuuse me...Made me laugh even more.. during lunch I explained it was not a mean response but more of a SHOCK as we had never spoken...I talked her outa having sex and then the relationship began,,,
We bought presents for each other weekly, we went shopping and wore the same clothes on the same day (just different colors) we made plans together all the time..
I had her over one night for a sleep-over and I was responsible for her first "high and drinking"
We smoked pot and had a few drinks... and felt pretty wasted and this commercial came on for Rolaids, as we laid there staring at the ship toss and turn for the Rolaids commercial, she blurted out, We're berries on a ship and genuinely freaked out... I believed her and my fear was rising. I had to stand up and get off the boat but all I could say was " I cannot feel my feet, I cant walk" at some point we passed out and after a two day hangover we laughed about it... berries on a ship became our secret code... if we were talking on the phone and parents might have been listening all we said were those three words and knew we had to keep our conversation clean and innocent...makes me laugh!!!! We had our own two finger wave that meant hi, bye and I love you all in one motion. We were inseparable.. and we loved and fought hard with each other.
This poor girl Jennifer at our school was the one when Sherrie and I got mad at each other would befriend as quickly as possible trying to beat the other one to her...lol... and as soon as we made up, Jennifer no longer fit in ( I feel bad about that) but it went on for two years...
We shared a lot of new experiences together... her passion was horseback riding.. she took me, and within 5 minutes I was being kicked by the horse next to me, in the whole group I had the only male and the mares didn't like him...lololol... they each kicked my horse and much of the time it was where my foot was... I was no so excited at that point but faked my excitement as to not look like a chicken... 20 minutes later my horse went into a full 100 MPH run... I screamed the whole way... then all the sudden, he bucked and I landed.. I was hurt and was not able to breathe because I hit so hard... I had a bruise that covered my back and had to sit for a week on my knees...never went riding again....
She and I, even through a lot of not talking over the years are still best girlfriends... we can still finish each other sentences and know how the other one feels on site... we can still not sit together in a serious situation because we will glance at each other and laugh uncontrollably... to this day!
This is my Sher Bear and I love her....
Makes me remember a million things about her and I, so I have decided to dedicate this one to Her!
I met this girl in high school... she was a year younger and 10 years younger in innocence til I came along. She sat directly behind me and believe it or not, my husband sat the next one to her.. I could not stand either one...lol... makes me laugh now because they have become a part of me, not only family but a physical part. I thought she was a snob when I first met her and people would tell me she is a tattle-tale. Me being a "cool kid" had nothing to do with her.. I hung with those who were like me, experienced in life and mature. Until one day...
She had never said a word to me in the months I sat behind her.. the first words she asked me is "Are you a virgin because I am and I am not sure if I want to have sex with my boyfriend" I was in shock for many reasons.. weird ice-breaker and the fact this snobby girl who looked so innocent was pondering virginity.. I sat there stunned, staring at her and busted out laughing... she took that as a mean way to answer and said excuuuuuse me...Made me laugh even more.. during lunch I explained it was not a mean response but more of a SHOCK as we had never spoken...I talked her outa having sex and then the relationship began,,,
We bought presents for each other weekly, we went shopping and wore the same clothes on the same day (just different colors) we made plans together all the time..
I had her over one night for a sleep-over and I was responsible for her first "high and drinking"
We smoked pot and had a few drinks... and felt pretty wasted and this commercial came on for Rolaids, as we laid there staring at the ship toss and turn for the Rolaids commercial, she blurted out, We're berries on a ship and genuinely freaked out... I believed her and my fear was rising. I had to stand up and get off the boat but all I could say was " I cannot feel my feet, I cant walk" at some point we passed out and after a two day hangover we laughed about it... berries on a ship became our secret code... if we were talking on the phone and parents might have been listening all we said were those three words and knew we had to keep our conversation clean and innocent...makes me laugh!!!! We had our own two finger wave that meant hi, bye and I love you all in one motion. We were inseparable.. and we loved and fought hard with each other.
This poor girl Jennifer at our school was the one when Sherrie and I got mad at each other would befriend as quickly as possible trying to beat the other one to her...lol... and as soon as we made up, Jennifer no longer fit in ( I feel bad about that) but it went on for two years...
We shared a lot of new experiences together... her passion was horseback riding.. she took me, and within 5 minutes I was being kicked by the horse next to me, in the whole group I had the only male and the mares didn't like him...lololol... they each kicked my horse and much of the time it was where my foot was... I was no so excited at that point but faked my excitement as to not look like a chicken... 20 minutes later my horse went into a full 100 MPH run... I screamed the whole way... then all the sudden, he bucked and I landed.. I was hurt and was not able to breathe because I hit so hard... I had a bruise that covered my back and had to sit for a week on my knees...never went riding again....
She and I, even through a lot of not talking over the years are still best girlfriends... we can still finish each other sentences and know how the other one feels on site... we can still not sit together in a serious situation because we will glance at each other and laugh uncontrollably... to this day!
This is my Sher Bear and I love her....
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Sass-A-Frass
Sass has been an important part of my life. I have had him since Aug/7/1985, he was my best friend, my lil green baby. He is my bird. I would talk to him when I had no one, his first words were "whatcha doin huh?" scared the crap outa me, sitting at my desk getting ready for school and this lil squeeky voice asks me what I was doing. When I got him he had some training left to do. He was a biter but also a lover. When I fell in love with him was one night, I was sitting in my room watching TV and he was sitting on my shoulder and burried himself in my hair and fell asleep. I loved him from that moment on. He was pal, my buddy my first born.
He used to take rides with me in the car, he loved that. One day after a ride, I got out and he flew away. I ran for him hours, praying that God bring him back to me, sitting in my tears I hear this lil voice. Sherrie, sherrie... (he learned my friends name and never mine..lol) I found him in a tree, I climed the fence and took him home. From there, we moved together many times, even to and From North Carolina.
I was still in High school, had a lota time to spend with him, got married... he was mine and husbands baby. He was allowed to wonder the house when he wanted. life became a lil busier and his trips out of his cage became less and less... worried he would get hurt became an obsession. I could not let him out because in my mind I thought I would lose him, so I keep him in his cage, he sits there all day. I say hello and goodnight... that is it.
Holding onto him is wrong, I cannot continue this selfishness. He has a lot of life in him, years I pray and his quality of life is worth more than me.
I have decided to give him to my sister Tiffany, she will love him, and give him a much better quality of life.
So, my lil guy will leave me today.
He used to take rides with me in the car, he loved that. One day after a ride, I got out and he flew away. I ran for him hours, praying that God bring him back to me, sitting in my tears I hear this lil voice. Sherrie, sherrie... (he learned my friends name and never mine..lol) I found him in a tree, I climed the fence and took him home. From there, we moved together many times, even to and From North Carolina.
I was still in High school, had a lota time to spend with him, got married... he was mine and husbands baby. He was allowed to wonder the house when he wanted. life became a lil busier and his trips out of his cage became less and less... worried he would get hurt became an obsession. I could not let him out because in my mind I thought I would lose him, so I keep him in his cage, he sits there all day. I say hello and goodnight... that is it.
Holding onto him is wrong, I cannot continue this selfishness. He has a lot of life in him, years I pray and his quality of life is worth more than me.
I have decided to give him to my sister Tiffany, she will love him, and give him a much better quality of life.
So, my lil guy will leave me today.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Slipping through my fingers
When you're already depressed about your child, this is the last song to play. I lost it, I actually laid in my bed, kicked my feet and hit with my hands and yelled I HATE YOU, to my dead mother. I really don't hate her, but how wonderful would it to know a mothers love? Know the experience of having a mom or remembering back to one when in a sad or scared part of parenting.
I have such fading memories of her.
Lets start with this one:
My mother died when I was 8, she worked in a gas station as the manager and had to back into work to make sure the money was counted correctly. I asked my mom if I could go over to my friends house to spend the night, and after about an hour of screaming I hate you mommy, she let me go. The next morning, when I came home she was gone. I swore I would never say those words to anyone, and yet again, my mother was told yet again, I hate her.
I don't, I was being a child, we all have those moments. I wanted her to hold me, tell me things are going to be okay, sing her favorite Elvis song (I can't help falling in love with you) I remeber laying on her lap and her singing that song and rocking me when I had a bad day, was sick or just a moment she had to hold me. I can see her smile when I close my eyes, I can also see her tears, and pray with all my heart she did know how much I loved her and how much I miss her and need her now.
I need to know what to do and how to do it. I want my mommy, yep, my MOMMY to hold me and just whisper our song in my ear.
I have such fading memories of her.
Lets start with this one:
My mother died when I was 8, she worked in a gas station as the manager and had to back into work to make sure the money was counted correctly. I asked my mom if I could go over to my friends house to spend the night, and after about an hour of screaming I hate you mommy, she let me go. The next morning, when I came home she was gone. I swore I would never say those words to anyone, and yet again, my mother was told yet again, I hate her.
I don't, I was being a child, we all have those moments. I wanted her to hold me, tell me things are going to be okay, sing her favorite Elvis song (I can't help falling in love with you) I remeber laying on her lap and her singing that song and rocking me when I had a bad day, was sick or just a moment she had to hold me. I can see her smile when I close my eyes, I can also see her tears, and pray with all my heart she did know how much I loved her and how much I miss her and need her now.
I need to know what to do and how to do it. I want my mommy, yep, my MOMMY to hold me and just whisper our song in my ear.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
grr
Yes, I see a ton of errors in my post, ignore them for me, will ya? If you don't I am gonna have to go in and fix them, it is driving me more crazy than I already am, see this really smart smart man I know has taught me grammar and all that crap and now I kinda obsess...
Holding on, or letting go?
My dear, sweet, beautiful, determined, headstrong, stubborn, angry, teen is planning moving out in 2 months (when she turns 18) mind you, she doesn't have a drivers licence, job and has not even looked. She will not graduate on time but reassures me she will remain in school. Hahaha!
I argue with her about all these issues, one minute I want her out NOW and the next I do not wanna let go. How do mothers let go? How can I watch her walk out the door and not see her everyday, wonder what she is doing, eating, drinking (water not alcohol)
It saddens me because she isn't ready, but feels she will be in 2 months.
I have to let go and watch her fly but I so badly wanna fly with her, teach her and help her choose right and not wrong.
We are mom and daughter and best friends and sometimes enemy's, but I love her so much.
Is it against the law to lock her up for 3 more years??
Went to my mental health Dr. We have a new diagnosis to my list of others, not only am I suffering from depression and anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. I know have a new one added to my list OCD, I made the mistake of telling the Dr one of his pictures were crooked, he folded his hands, sat back in his seat and smiled and asked "oh really, what else have you been studying in here) and of course the first thing that came out was that he had more circles in his office than in other offices I have counted, he then looked and me and asked how many drawers were in his file cabinet, I stated 24, and at that moment I was RED! And I could not stop with the counting squares and comparing to circles in places I go because I just have to know how many squares versus circles there are because we all know there are more squares than circles and if you do not believe me you're gonna have to prove it.
I have probably had this disorder since I was a young child, when I get scared or nervous I clean, make sure everything is in it's "spot" and trust me, everything has a spot.
My husband calls me rain man because he has endured my endless counting for years.
My head is wired funny, eh?
I argue with her about all these issues, one minute I want her out NOW and the next I do not wanna let go. How do mothers let go? How can I watch her walk out the door and not see her everyday, wonder what she is doing, eating, drinking (water not alcohol)
It saddens me because she isn't ready, but feels she will be in 2 months.
I have to let go and watch her fly but I so badly wanna fly with her, teach her and help her choose right and not wrong.
We are mom and daughter and best friends and sometimes enemy's, but I love her so much.
Is it against the law to lock her up for 3 more years??
Went to my mental health Dr. We have a new diagnosis to my list of others, not only am I suffering from depression and anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. I know have a new one added to my list OCD, I made the mistake of telling the Dr one of his pictures were crooked, he folded his hands, sat back in his seat and smiled and asked "oh really, what else have you been studying in here) and of course the first thing that came out was that he had more circles in his office than in other offices I have counted, he then looked and me and asked how many drawers were in his file cabinet, I stated 24, and at that moment I was RED! And I could not stop with the counting squares and comparing to circles in places I go because I just have to know how many squares versus circles there are because we all know there are more squares than circles and if you do not believe me you're gonna have to prove it.
I have probably had this disorder since I was a young child, when I get scared or nervous I clean, make sure everything is in it's "spot" and trust me, everything has a spot.
My husband calls me rain man because he has endured my endless counting for years.
My head is wired funny, eh?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
re-newing wedding vows
We have decided it's the time to renew our vows before God, friends and family.
We plan on Jan-16-2010 (our aniversary)
Gives me something to look forward to, I need this type of inspiration to keep my mind busy.
It's early and I am not inspired to blog today, not enough coffee.
This last week I over-spent, over slept and have been blah. Memories are triggered daily, the need to feel happy is so strong and I cannot find it. I am lame, I know.
I cling to the song " It is well with my soul" I feel God has this song in my head for me.
I am still fat. still a Christian and a lil suicidal, but that feeling is not as often. When you spend 34 years wishing to die it's not an easy thing to get over.
Life can be so odd and painful, How do I find a reason to be happy?
We plan on Jan-16-2010 (our aniversary)
Gives me something to look forward to, I need this type of inspiration to keep my mind busy.
It's early and I am not inspired to blog today, not enough coffee.
This last week I over-spent, over slept and have been blah. Memories are triggered daily, the need to feel happy is so strong and I cannot find it. I am lame, I know.
I cling to the song " It is well with my soul" I feel God has this song in my head for me.
I am still fat. still a Christian and a lil suicidal, but that feeling is not as often. When you spend 34 years wishing to die it's not an easy thing to get over.
Life can be so odd and painful, How do I find a reason to be happy?
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Love you Till the End
The Pogues song I love you till the end:
My husband of 20 years had an affair a few years back. He told me and begged for forgivness. I was so hurt, angry and confused. After years of feeling he owed me made me more bitter. I finally was able to not only forgive with words but felt it in my heart. I was finally free.
I have forgiven the woman and it truly makes me feel lighter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3dtfFG-5QQ
I have had a tough week, I am tired and have had the urge to meet Jesus, I am talking about it as I should be.
so far, we have covered abuse. The fact I knew how to perform sexual acts before I could write my name. My husband cheated on me. This is not my whole story. I plan to cover more and more about me over this daily blog.
My husband of 20 years had an affair a few years back. He told me and begged for forgivness. I was so hurt, angry and confused. After years of feeling he owed me made me more bitter. I finally was able to not only forgive with words but felt it in my heart. I was finally free.
I have forgiven the woman and it truly makes me feel lighter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3dtfFG-5QQ
I have had a tough week, I am tired and have had the urge to meet Jesus, I am talking about it as I should be.
so far, we have covered abuse. The fact I knew how to perform sexual acts before I could write my name. My husband cheated on me. This is not my whole story. I plan to cover more and more about me over this daily blog.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Morph
I am planning my "morphing" stage. Walk, weights, situps... I'm already tired just thinking about how to change the body, but it leads me to how am I going to change the mind. I am on meds for depression, anxiety and PTSD and so far all I am is numb and have issues with my short term memory. So by tomorrow I will have forgotten I posted on here... haha
The song of the month has been "It is Well with my Soul" an old hymn but one of my favorites. The song was written a billion years ago by a man that lost his wife and children and yet he had the faith and strength to continue his faith and love for God. I think about his burden and it makes mine look simple but I cannot get my head and heart to work together.
I think about suicide all the time, it's an issue with the doctors because when they ask have I thought about killing myself, it is always yes and has been for 20 years. Not a new thought, I was just caught this time. Talking to someone seems pointless because I hate talking about my personal issues, makes me feel worse, not better.
To a lighter subject - My daughter lost her last cell phone and I got her a new one. this is her 15th cell phone, not joking, she has dropped others in milk, a toilet, washed it with a load of laundry, lost many... and each time there is such distress in losing her ability to text.. I would love to turn off the computer, cell phone and TV for just 5 days and see what happens. I may try this just to show the kids that their lives are just sitting and talking to people through myspace and texting. Not even using their voices.. wow, when I was a kid I had dolls and match box cars and an Easy Bake Oven, my phone was two cups tied to a string and writing poems on paper.. I guess the paper thing isn't a good way to go as we need to save our trees so I hear.
ramblerambleramble
The song of the month has been "It is Well with my Soul" an old hymn but one of my favorites. The song was written a billion years ago by a man that lost his wife and children and yet he had the faith and strength to continue his faith and love for God. I think about his burden and it makes mine look simple but I cannot get my head and heart to work together.
I think about suicide all the time, it's an issue with the doctors because when they ask have I thought about killing myself, it is always yes and has been for 20 years. Not a new thought, I was just caught this time. Talking to someone seems pointless because I hate talking about my personal issues, makes me feel worse, not better.
To a lighter subject - My daughter lost her last cell phone and I got her a new one. this is her 15th cell phone, not joking, she has dropped others in milk, a toilet, washed it with a load of laundry, lost many... and each time there is such distress in losing her ability to text.. I would love to turn off the computer, cell phone and TV for just 5 days and see what happens. I may try this just to show the kids that their lives are just sitting and talking to people through myspace and texting. Not even using their voices.. wow, when I was a kid I had dolls and match box cars and an Easy Bake Oven, my phone was two cups tied to a string and writing poems on paper.. I guess the paper thing isn't a good way to go as we need to save our trees so I hear.
ramblerambleramble
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Changes
I know my name is a bit odd, but yes, it is possible to be a Christian and fail miserably at life.
I have contemplated, attempted and begged to die. I have also prayed to live.
My last attempt almost did it, but I was not able to wake up when my husband tried toi wake me. I have also taken bottles of pills and would think "If God wants me to live I will wake up" only to find myself awake and just fine. It is a game I call life roulette.
I have been in a hospital that is meant to help those who are like me, wanting to die, but all they do is drug you up so bad that you cannot make a decision. Kinda funny, then they send you home after you have been medicated for a week.
People ask what drives this thought and my life is not open for explaining to most who ask.
My life has never been normal, my mom married a man that liked lil girls and he had many friends that shared his taste, mom dies when I am 8 and then a new chapter of abuse started.
I looked like a normal teen, but there were many things hidden amongst my shoes in my closet.
So, here I am, 41 years old, 2 kids (18 and 13) a husband of 21 years, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 1 bird, a rabbit and a turtle. I also have a fulltime job. I am blogging as a way to help myself and if someone happens to find my blog maybe I can help them too.
Changes have to be made, all the normal ones, lose weight, quit smoking and stop coveting.
So, my attempt at being happy is CHANGES! Look for me, I will be the one trying to walk 10 miles a day.. haha
I have contemplated, attempted and begged to die. I have also prayed to live.
My last attempt almost did it, but I was not able to wake up when my husband tried toi wake me. I have also taken bottles of pills and would think "If God wants me to live I will wake up" only to find myself awake and just fine. It is a game I call life roulette.
I have been in a hospital that is meant to help those who are like me, wanting to die, but all they do is drug you up so bad that you cannot make a decision. Kinda funny, then they send you home after you have been medicated for a week.
People ask what drives this thought and my life is not open for explaining to most who ask.
My life has never been normal, my mom married a man that liked lil girls and he had many friends that shared his taste, mom dies when I am 8 and then a new chapter of abuse started.
I looked like a normal teen, but there were many things hidden amongst my shoes in my closet.
So, here I am, 41 years old, 2 kids (18 and 13) a husband of 21 years, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 1 bird, a rabbit and a turtle. I also have a fulltime job. I am blogging as a way to help myself and if someone happens to find my blog maybe I can help them too.
Changes have to be made, all the normal ones, lose weight, quit smoking and stop coveting.
So, my attempt at being happy is CHANGES! Look for me, I will be the one trying to walk 10 miles a day.. haha
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