I woke again with a powerful feeling of dread. Scared, not sure what to do,..,.. what do you do when you feel that your family need s you to look strong and your body cannot follow my mental urging?
Today, I ask where is God? Where is my strength? Where is my .....me?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Katydid or didn't he?
The other day when I noticed the Black Widow she was devouring a katydid... I'm not a fan of either bug but am terrified of the katydid and it's terrifying sound it makes..tktktktktkt. I get the heebi-jeebie's just thinking about them. I sprayed the nest and I can see there were a lot of fat ones... They are creepy but their silk they spin is amazing...I felt no remorse in killing these spiders because they had invaded my space and can be deadly, but today, on my back porch was a katydid, I grabbed the bug spray and sprayed and sprayed and sat back to make sure it was dead... he was trying to get the liquid off his antennas as fast as he could... his legs rubbing at his face... he just sat there dying and not making that sound... I watched as he fell and was making his last attempt at surviving and I had such sadness. I looked at him up close and he just looks like a living, flying leaf... I had to look up this bug that I have been so terrified of my entire life. Here is what I found:
"We mentioned in our piece on cicadas that the Katydids would begin their singing in mid-late summer. They are beginning to go strong now here in New England.
Open that window, shut off the TV, and let those wonderful, soothing, romantic, sentimental, poignant, sleepy-time night sounds roll in to feed your soul. And engrave it in your heart - we only have so many Augusts in our lives. For the katydid, it's their one and only - no wonder they sing their hearts out, until a hard frost kills them all.
You hardly ever see a Katydid - they are well-camouflaged in the green leaves but they are all over. Early evening and nighttime are when they make their music - more like Kay-did than a three-syllable tune. It sounds as if they are singing to each other. With the crickets providing the chirping background theme, it's a fine choir out there right now, at night. The bugs own the world."
I've never been one to just kill bugs, just those that scare me or are dangerous, I am the woman who sees a Rolly polly and will make sure it gets back to the grass, or when we have a rain storm and all the earthworms are forced onto our patio, I put them back where they belong also. Not because I am some weird bug lover but try to look at all bugs and figure out their purpose, there is nothing in the world that was made by accident or by man himself. There is a purpose for all creatures, right down to the ant. Bed bugs? I see no purpose for them to be in my bed...those are an enemy and someone else can figure out their purpose....
Sincerely,
The bug lady
"We mentioned in our piece on cicadas that the Katydids would begin their singing in mid-late summer. They are beginning to go strong now here in New England.
Open that window, shut off the TV, and let those wonderful, soothing, romantic, sentimental, poignant, sleepy-time night sounds roll in to feed your soul. And engrave it in your heart - we only have so many Augusts in our lives. For the katydid, it's their one and only - no wonder they sing their hearts out, until a hard frost kills them all.
You hardly ever see a Katydid - they are well-camouflaged in the green leaves but they are all over. Early evening and nighttime are when they make their music - more like Kay-did than a three-syllable tune. It sounds as if they are singing to each other. With the crickets providing the chirping background theme, it's a fine choir out there right now, at night. The bugs own the world."
I've never been one to just kill bugs, just those that scare me or are dangerous, I am the woman who sees a Rolly polly and will make sure it gets back to the grass, or when we have a rain storm and all the earthworms are forced onto our patio, I put them back where they belong also. Not because I am some weird bug lover but try to look at all bugs and figure out their purpose, there is nothing in the world that was made by accident or by man himself. There is a purpose for all creatures, right down to the ant. Bed bugs? I see no purpose for them to be in my bed...those are an enemy and someone else can figure out their purpose....
Sincerely,
The bug lady
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Mini Van
Last night six of us piled into a mini van to go to see Def Leppard, Poison and Cheap Trick...
As we drove into the venue we noticed we were six aging adults drinking coffee to stay awake past 9:00 pm on a weekend in a MINI VAN! I find it so comical..
We saw people our age, older and a lot younger rocking out to Def Leppard...
some women bringing out their denim jackets with concert pins, huge hair and a lota makeup... I dressed like that in the 80's!! I thought it was cute till I saw it again and all I can say is "what hell was I thinking" hahaha
We had lawn seating, which means no chairs, blanket only on the ground. After a 15 minute walk from the mini van to the lawn in high heel boots, the lawn was a beautiful sight. I sat down took off my boots and caught my breath. I was sore from working out that day and by that time I was done.. I was not gonna move again... but then came the beer guy... 5 beers later... no pain!
Watching these men perform was odd... They don't look like they used to, I forget that rock stars age also... They all sounded pretty good, I had to use binoculars to see them because I'm blind even with glasses... I gave up staring through the eye piece and decided to dance with the crowd... Did you know that when you move after drinking it starts kicking in more and more??
Good time....Then came the time to leave... to take a 15 minute hike up a gravel walk space in boots, blister on my heel, not drunk but tipsy that my balance was not perfect. I tripped on a larger rock and ripped my jeans and my knee... I realized at that moment... I am too old to go to a concert and vowed to never try this again....
By the time I got home my knee was a bloody mess. Bending over to take off my jeans so I could tend to my concert wound I noticed red dots on the floor, looked in the mirror and saw blood coming from my nose... haha...
Picture and older woman, sore and tired from a concert, wounded and sleepy... I had a tissue hanging from my nose and one on my knee.. my husband got a kick outa the site..
Nap time....
As we drove into the venue we noticed we were six aging adults drinking coffee to stay awake past 9:00 pm on a weekend in a MINI VAN! I find it so comical..
We saw people our age, older and a lot younger rocking out to Def Leppard...
some women bringing out their denim jackets with concert pins, huge hair and a lota makeup... I dressed like that in the 80's!! I thought it was cute till I saw it again and all I can say is "what hell was I thinking" hahaha
We had lawn seating, which means no chairs, blanket only on the ground. After a 15 minute walk from the mini van to the lawn in high heel boots, the lawn was a beautiful sight. I sat down took off my boots and caught my breath. I was sore from working out that day and by that time I was done.. I was not gonna move again... but then came the beer guy... 5 beers later... no pain!
Watching these men perform was odd... They don't look like they used to, I forget that rock stars age also... They all sounded pretty good, I had to use binoculars to see them because I'm blind even with glasses... I gave up staring through the eye piece and decided to dance with the crowd... Did you know that when you move after drinking it starts kicking in more and more??
Good time....Then came the time to leave... to take a 15 minute hike up a gravel walk space in boots, blister on my heel, not drunk but tipsy that my balance was not perfect. I tripped on a larger rock and ripped my jeans and my knee... I realized at that moment... I am too old to go to a concert and vowed to never try this again....
By the time I got home my knee was a bloody mess. Bending over to take off my jeans so I could tend to my concert wound I noticed red dots on the floor, looked in the mirror and saw blood coming from my nose... haha...
Picture and older woman, sore and tired from a concert, wounded and sleepy... I had a tissue hanging from my nose and one on my knee.. my husband got a kick outa the site..
Nap time....
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Black Widow
The night before we were going to have a yard sale we discovered a nest of black widows. They are such an amazing and scary spider. I think of the movie Charlot's Web and think how can I kill Charolet?? Can spiders and humans live in the same space? We all do all the time without knowing but when you see one it answers your question in a loud HELL NO!!!
Charlotte will have to die along with all her babies as soon as possible.. I cannot even walk into the garage without freaking out. It has become the new monster in my life. There to serve a purpose that God laid out. Monsters can change, I have witnessed that with one of my molesters, but the spider... it's life is to hunt and kill... that is one monster I am okay to eliminate and odd enough with a little sadness... what is her and the rest doing right now as I get my boots and jeans on and ready to go to spider war??
I started my body changing plan yesterday... I waled an hour on my treadmill and only made 3.5 miles.. I used to be able to run that in less than 45 minutes... it was 20 years ago, but 3.5?? I have to step it up a little...
Off to war!
Charlotte will have to die along with all her babies as soon as possible.. I cannot even walk into the garage without freaking out. It has become the new monster in my life. There to serve a purpose that God laid out. Monsters can change, I have witnessed that with one of my molesters, but the spider... it's life is to hunt and kill... that is one monster I am okay to eliminate and odd enough with a little sadness... what is her and the rest doing right now as I get my boots and jeans on and ready to go to spider war??
I started my body changing plan yesterday... I waled an hour on my treadmill and only made 3.5 miles.. I used to be able to run that in less than 45 minutes... it was 20 years ago, but 3.5?? I have to step it up a little...
Off to war!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Humpty Dumpty
I started blogging as a way to talk about the pain I have suffered and as I am with any mental health Dr. I kinda avoid this topic.
After a few hours looking into stats of what becomes of an adult after abuse.
The statistics were a sad reality for me. One quote was "Once a child has been hit, it's like Humpty Dumpty - you can never truly put that child's life back together"
I do not believe in that entirely but so far has been my case.
Sexual abuse so severe and by many, physical abuse, mental abuse... I have suffered it all.
During these years, I never doubted God but always asked "why me?" Some people believe that God isn't with those children who are being hurt. Some get angry and deny God.
The attempts at suicide, the chronic pain, weight issues, the very thought of being included in a negative statistic makes me angry.I have worked my entire adulthood trying to be "normal" taking comfort I am not an abuser, I am not in a mental hospital.... all those horror stories we have seen involving multiple personalities and in some cases murder.
Another quote:
Sexually abused children are up to 13 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide than other youngsters, a new study has found. Those who experienced four or more types of adverse childhood experiences - specifically being a victim of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, witnessing their mothers being abused, or having family members who were substance abusers, mentally ill, or imprisoned - suffered significantly more chronic disease. They were 60% more likely to have diabetes, twice as likely to suffer cancer or heart disease, and nearly 2.5 times as likely to have had a stroke. Researchers then measured ten categories of disease risk factors, including smoking, obesity, physical inactivity, depression, suicide attempts, alcoholism, drug abuse, more than 50 sexual partners during a lifetime, and a history of sexually transmitted diseases.
Physical sex was not something I have loved my entire life, so I thank God I have not had many partners.. it has taken me a long time to realize sex between married, loving couples is special and not a violation.
God has a plan for me, that I am sure of. My experiences that have hurt me will somehow help others and glorify God. I am certain of this no matter what.
So, here I sit, on my fence, praying more and more everyday, asking God to take the pencil and add to my plans to best server Him. I have great days and some pretty terrible ones. I take comfort in knowing that is not a statistic but something even the most normal people experience daily.
So how does one survive extreme abuse and become a parent and a wife and most importantly a true believer in God and what God has planed for me?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, he had a great fall... kings (men of the world) couldn't put him together again. My God can put me together again.
After a few hours looking into stats of what becomes of an adult after abuse.
The statistics were a sad reality for me. One quote was "Once a child has been hit, it's like Humpty Dumpty - you can never truly put that child's life back together"
I do not believe in that entirely but so far has been my case.
Sexual abuse so severe and by many, physical abuse, mental abuse... I have suffered it all.
During these years, I never doubted God but always asked "why me?" Some people believe that God isn't with those children who are being hurt. Some get angry and deny God.
The attempts at suicide, the chronic pain, weight issues, the very thought of being included in a negative statistic makes me angry.I have worked my entire adulthood trying to be "normal" taking comfort I am not an abuser, I am not in a mental hospital.... all those horror stories we have seen involving multiple personalities and in some cases murder.
Another quote:
Sexually abused children are up to 13 times more likely to attempt or commit suicide than other youngsters, a new study has found. Those who experienced four or more types of adverse childhood experiences - specifically being a victim of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, witnessing their mothers being abused, or having family members who were substance abusers, mentally ill, or imprisoned - suffered significantly more chronic disease. They were 60% more likely to have diabetes, twice as likely to suffer cancer or heart disease, and nearly 2.5 times as likely to have had a stroke. Researchers then measured ten categories of disease risk factors, including smoking, obesity, physical inactivity, depression, suicide attempts, alcoholism, drug abuse, more than 50 sexual partners during a lifetime, and a history of sexually transmitted diseases.
Physical sex was not something I have loved my entire life, so I thank God I have not had many partners.. it has taken me a long time to realize sex between married, loving couples is special and not a violation.
God has a plan for me, that I am sure of. My experiences that have hurt me will somehow help others and glorify God. I am certain of this no matter what.
So, here I sit, on my fence, praying more and more everyday, asking God to take the pencil and add to my plans to best server Him. I have great days and some pretty terrible ones. I take comfort in knowing that is not a statistic but something even the most normal people experience daily.
So how does one survive extreme abuse and become a parent and a wife and most importantly a true believer in God and what God has planed for me?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, he had a great fall... kings (men of the world) couldn't put him together again. My God can put me together again.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Always Kiss me Goodnight
I'm sure you have all seen these pictures to hang in your bedroom... the actual words didn't catch my eye until last night. I have read it and liked what it said but to be honest I bought it because it matched the colors of my bedroom...
I laid in bed alone last night, trying to focus on a magazine but I kept looking up at that picture and reading the words over and over again. It was like a thump on the head. This is not an order.. it is a wish. As my children grow I get fewer kisses but a lot more hugs. My heart aches for their little faces I have in memory to kiss me goodnight. As I sat in bed, trying to stay awake for Todd to come home and give me a kiss so I felt like the statement was serving more of a purpose than an art piece on my wall... he came home after I was asleep... and he kissed my forehead and in my asleep state I smiled because I had that kiss.
What about those people have no one to kiss them goodnight, hug them when they are sad, sit with them and talk for hours about nothing? What happens to their hearts? Do they break or do they harden? Do they crave love and are too afraid to find it? Scared of rejection? Maybe those people that have been put into nursing homes to finish their lives without the people they were there for their entire lives, do they miss the kisses at bedtime? What about the children who are in pain? Abused, unloved and unwanted..
The homeless people we pass daily, we never make eye contact...why? Is it because they disgust us or is it because we feel like there is nothing we can do? They crave love like the rest of us and that simple "I love you" kiss.... a conversation, the kindness of human contact, a shake of the hand, a how are you? Just being recognised as a human... how many of us walk past them as fast as we can but if we see an animal on pain or lost we stop and try to help? Do these people not deserve at the very least the same if not more? We need to make changes in our hearts to affect those in need.
I have been trying to put together a charity for the homeless, have been trying how to get it going for almost a year now. It is called "Socks For Souls". Notice I use the soul and not sole... I am trying to gather as many warm clothing and packages of unused socks and hand deliver these and actually let them know I care. Ask their names... shake their hand... give hugs when needed...
I need to do my part as a Christian and a human to surrender to those in need...
So, my "kiss me goodnight" sunk in deeper than ever and will always be a plea in my heart and not an order.
I laid in bed alone last night, trying to focus on a magazine but I kept looking up at that picture and reading the words over and over again. It was like a thump on the head. This is not an order.. it is a wish. As my children grow I get fewer kisses but a lot more hugs. My heart aches for their little faces I have in memory to kiss me goodnight. As I sat in bed, trying to stay awake for Todd to come home and give me a kiss so I felt like the statement was serving more of a purpose than an art piece on my wall... he came home after I was asleep... and he kissed my forehead and in my asleep state I smiled because I had that kiss.
What about those people have no one to kiss them goodnight, hug them when they are sad, sit with them and talk for hours about nothing? What happens to their hearts? Do they break or do they harden? Do they crave love and are too afraid to find it? Scared of rejection? Maybe those people that have been put into nursing homes to finish their lives without the people they were there for their entire lives, do they miss the kisses at bedtime? What about the children who are in pain? Abused, unloved and unwanted..
The homeless people we pass daily, we never make eye contact...why? Is it because they disgust us or is it because we feel like there is nothing we can do? They crave love like the rest of us and that simple "I love you" kiss.... a conversation, the kindness of human contact, a shake of the hand, a how are you? Just being recognised as a human... how many of us walk past them as fast as we can but if we see an animal on pain or lost we stop and try to help? Do these people not deserve at the very least the same if not more? We need to make changes in our hearts to affect those in need.
I have been trying to put together a charity for the homeless, have been trying how to get it going for almost a year now. It is called "Socks For Souls". Notice I use the soul and not sole... I am trying to gather as many warm clothing and packages of unused socks and hand deliver these and actually let them know I care. Ask their names... shake their hand... give hugs when needed...
I need to do my part as a Christian and a human to surrender to those in need...
So, my "kiss me goodnight" sunk in deeper than ever and will always be a plea in my heart and not an order.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Things are Just Things!
I don't know how many times in my life I have stated " I love things" and I truly do. I love my purses, shoes, house... my nic-nac's... they are my "things" but are things really that important?
When I walk into a store, I dash to the bag's and shoes and perfumes..I am a "thing" shopper and I know what I want and at times no matter what the situation is I buy those things and suffer the consequences later... until recently.
I have things that God allows me to have and these things I feel so attached to are temporary. Am I truly living by God's words when I put so much hope and energy into things? No, not at all... My home and everything in it belongs to God. He gives and takes away.. my energy is no longer about my possessions but about God, letting others see God through me.
I recently heard on K-Love radio how this college graduate had all her plans written on paper and gave God the eraser and go by His plan...
I have started with a blank piece of paper and have given God the pencil. Amazing thing to let go of your worldly things and ask God to give me what I need.
My glasses have been broke for so long, I fixed them with a small screw instead of spending money to buy a new pair, not only is my vision fixed but I can truly SEE. God gives us eyes so that we may see Him and ears so we can hear Him.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me, I could lose my house, all my "things" but I know it is God moving me from these things so I can fulfil His purpose. Loss is a lesson and gain can be too if used by God's will... not my own.
So, yes, things are JUST things. The people in my life now and for those to come is what I have replaced things with. My faith and trust is no longer in a paycheck but what God lays on my heart.
The people that I allow to read these are the most important people in my life.. I love and cherish you all more than any"thing" I have.
When I walk into a store, I dash to the bag's and shoes and perfumes..I am a "thing" shopper and I know what I want and at times no matter what the situation is I buy those things and suffer the consequences later... until recently.
I have things that God allows me to have and these things I feel so attached to are temporary. Am I truly living by God's words when I put so much hope and energy into things? No, not at all... My home and everything in it belongs to God. He gives and takes away.. my energy is no longer about my possessions but about God, letting others see God through me.
I recently heard on K-Love radio how this college graduate had all her plans written on paper and gave God the eraser and go by His plan...
I have started with a blank piece of paper and have given God the pencil. Amazing thing to let go of your worldly things and ask God to give me what I need.
My glasses have been broke for so long, I fixed them with a small screw instead of spending money to buy a new pair, not only is my vision fixed but I can truly SEE. God gives us eyes so that we may see Him and ears so we can hear Him.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me, I could lose my house, all my "things" but I know it is God moving me from these things so I can fulfil His purpose. Loss is a lesson and gain can be too if used by God's will... not my own.
So, yes, things are JUST things. The people in my life now and for those to come is what I have replaced things with. My faith and trust is no longer in a paycheck but what God lays on my heart.
The people that I allow to read these are the most important people in my life.. I love and cherish you all more than any"thing" I have.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Your what hurts?
I am overwhelmed by the friendships and the love from these people and for some reason now more than ever..
Today, it's Mikey who is on my mind... I have known this man for years and love him more today than I did 7 years ago. Our friendship has been up and down but has been the most solid man in my life. He can push my buttons to get all my anger out and he doesn't hate when I am done yelling and swearing at him... He is also the one person that can make me gag at any time he pleases...lol
He loves doing and saying things he knows will cause my tummy to turn over... chicken fat that he pretended was snot is one HUGE incident I remember, I am not even gonna talk about anymore cuz my stomach wavers at just typing it... BUT I have one thing I can do that causes him to gag, chew my nails off and spit them at him...lololol... I love it! And I am holding off the chewing until he comes over.... haha... yup... I am gonna make him gag!!
He has loved me through a lot of things and changes... has taken care of me so many times I cannot even count the times... he has loved my kids... even took care of them for me on many occasions... brings to mind the time he woke my kids up an hour early on April fools day rushing them to get ready telling them they are an hour late... Ohhh whata laugh
He has encouraged my husband and has loved him through it all... How is it I am so blessed??
How is it he cannot see how HIS presence in my life is a blessing. How can he not see that he has done wonders for my family??
He pushes us to think, he loves us when we spend too much money and will still make me see where I messed up...
He gave me the most memorable birthday ever...
Took me and Nathan to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch to celebrate my day. He let the staff know it was my birthday and had assumed they would just come over and sing Happy Birthday to me... but nooooooooo... They came at me with a cowgirl hat and a stick pony...lol.. I refused but the staff was relentless... They would not leave my table until I rode around the restaurant on this pony while they sung happy birthday... I looked over at him as I passed and could see he was in shock and was not able to stop laughing, still makes my son laugh remembering his mom and how embarrassed I was... now I sit back and think... wow... I will remember that day for the rest of my life and it still makes me smile.. and I will refuse to go there in the month of December for the rest of my life too....lol
He has surprised me many times by cleaning my house, doing my laundry and he has helped me through many stomach flu's.... he is my best man friend... I feel safe and trust him with my life...
I love you, Mikey!!
Today, it's Mikey who is on my mind... I have known this man for years and love him more today than I did 7 years ago. Our friendship has been up and down but has been the most solid man in my life. He can push my buttons to get all my anger out and he doesn't hate when I am done yelling and swearing at him... He is also the one person that can make me gag at any time he pleases...lol
He loves doing and saying things he knows will cause my tummy to turn over... chicken fat that he pretended was snot is one HUGE incident I remember, I am not even gonna talk about anymore cuz my stomach wavers at just typing it... BUT I have one thing I can do that causes him to gag, chew my nails off and spit them at him...lololol... I love it! And I am holding off the chewing until he comes over.... haha... yup... I am gonna make him gag!!
He has loved me through a lot of things and changes... has taken care of me so many times I cannot even count the times... he has loved my kids... even took care of them for me on many occasions... brings to mind the time he woke my kids up an hour early on April fools day rushing them to get ready telling them they are an hour late... Ohhh whata laugh
He has encouraged my husband and has loved him through it all... How is it I am so blessed??
How is it he cannot see how HIS presence in my life is a blessing. How can he not see that he has done wonders for my family??
He pushes us to think, he loves us when we spend too much money and will still make me see where I messed up...
He gave me the most memorable birthday ever...
Took me and Nathan to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch to celebrate my day. He let the staff know it was my birthday and had assumed they would just come over and sing Happy Birthday to me... but nooooooooo... They came at me with a cowgirl hat and a stick pony...lol.. I refused but the staff was relentless... They would not leave my table until I rode around the restaurant on this pony while they sung happy birthday... I looked over at him as I passed and could see he was in shock and was not able to stop laughing, still makes my son laugh remembering his mom and how embarrassed I was... now I sit back and think... wow... I will remember that day for the rest of my life and it still makes me smile.. and I will refuse to go there in the month of December for the rest of my life too....lol
He has surprised me many times by cleaning my house, doing my laundry and he has helped me through many stomach flu's.... he is my best man friend... I feel safe and trust him with my life...
I love you, Mikey!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Berries-on-a-ship
This girl I have known for most of my life is really sick. I've been worried about her many times but never this bad. An infection in her meds line that goes to her heart is infected and she also has a blood infection. This is scary...
Makes me remember a million things about her and I, so I have decided to dedicate this one to Her!
I met this girl in high school... she was a year younger and 10 years younger in innocence til I came along. She sat directly behind me and believe it or not, my husband sat the next one to her.. I could not stand either one...lol... makes me laugh now because they have become a part of me, not only family but a physical part. I thought she was a snob when I first met her and people would tell me she is a tattle-tale. Me being a "cool kid" had nothing to do with her.. I hung with those who were like me, experienced in life and mature. Until one day...
She had never said a word to me in the months I sat behind her.. the first words she asked me is "Are you a virgin because I am and I am not sure if I want to have sex with my boyfriend" I was in shock for many reasons.. weird ice-breaker and the fact this snobby girl who looked so innocent was pondering virginity.. I sat there stunned, staring at her and busted out laughing... she took that as a mean way to answer and said excuuuuuse me...Made me laugh even more.. during lunch I explained it was not a mean response but more of a SHOCK as we had never spoken...I talked her outa having sex and then the relationship began,,,
We bought presents for each other weekly, we went shopping and wore the same clothes on the same day (just different colors) we made plans together all the time..
I had her over one night for a sleep-over and I was responsible for her first "high and drinking"
We smoked pot and had a few drinks... and felt pretty wasted and this commercial came on for Rolaids, as we laid there staring at the ship toss and turn for the Rolaids commercial, she blurted out, We're berries on a ship and genuinely freaked out... I believed her and my fear was rising. I had to stand up and get off the boat but all I could say was " I cannot feel my feet, I cant walk" at some point we passed out and after a two day hangover we laughed about it... berries on a ship became our secret code... if we were talking on the phone and parents might have been listening all we said were those three words and knew we had to keep our conversation clean and innocent...makes me laugh!!!! We had our own two finger wave that meant hi, bye and I love you all in one motion. We were inseparable.. and we loved and fought hard with each other.
This poor girl Jennifer at our school was the one when Sherrie and I got mad at each other would befriend as quickly as possible trying to beat the other one to her...lol... and as soon as we made up, Jennifer no longer fit in ( I feel bad about that) but it went on for two years...
We shared a lot of new experiences together... her passion was horseback riding.. she took me, and within 5 minutes I was being kicked by the horse next to me, in the whole group I had the only male and the mares didn't like him...lololol... they each kicked my horse and much of the time it was where my foot was... I was no so excited at that point but faked my excitement as to not look like a chicken... 20 minutes later my horse went into a full 100 MPH run... I screamed the whole way... then all the sudden, he bucked and I landed.. I was hurt and was not able to breathe because I hit so hard... I had a bruise that covered my back and had to sit for a week on my knees...never went riding again....
She and I, even through a lot of not talking over the years are still best girlfriends... we can still finish each other sentences and know how the other one feels on site... we can still not sit together in a serious situation because we will glance at each other and laugh uncontrollably... to this day!
This is my Sher Bear and I love her....
Makes me remember a million things about her and I, so I have decided to dedicate this one to Her!
I met this girl in high school... she was a year younger and 10 years younger in innocence til I came along. She sat directly behind me and believe it or not, my husband sat the next one to her.. I could not stand either one...lol... makes me laugh now because they have become a part of me, not only family but a physical part. I thought she was a snob when I first met her and people would tell me she is a tattle-tale. Me being a "cool kid" had nothing to do with her.. I hung with those who were like me, experienced in life and mature. Until one day...
She had never said a word to me in the months I sat behind her.. the first words she asked me is "Are you a virgin because I am and I am not sure if I want to have sex with my boyfriend" I was in shock for many reasons.. weird ice-breaker and the fact this snobby girl who looked so innocent was pondering virginity.. I sat there stunned, staring at her and busted out laughing... she took that as a mean way to answer and said excuuuuuse me...Made me laugh even more.. during lunch I explained it was not a mean response but more of a SHOCK as we had never spoken...I talked her outa having sex and then the relationship began,,,
We bought presents for each other weekly, we went shopping and wore the same clothes on the same day (just different colors) we made plans together all the time..
I had her over one night for a sleep-over and I was responsible for her first "high and drinking"
We smoked pot and had a few drinks... and felt pretty wasted and this commercial came on for Rolaids, as we laid there staring at the ship toss and turn for the Rolaids commercial, she blurted out, We're berries on a ship and genuinely freaked out... I believed her and my fear was rising. I had to stand up and get off the boat but all I could say was " I cannot feel my feet, I cant walk" at some point we passed out and after a two day hangover we laughed about it... berries on a ship became our secret code... if we were talking on the phone and parents might have been listening all we said were those three words and knew we had to keep our conversation clean and innocent...makes me laugh!!!! We had our own two finger wave that meant hi, bye and I love you all in one motion. We were inseparable.. and we loved and fought hard with each other.
This poor girl Jennifer at our school was the one when Sherrie and I got mad at each other would befriend as quickly as possible trying to beat the other one to her...lol... and as soon as we made up, Jennifer no longer fit in ( I feel bad about that) but it went on for two years...
We shared a lot of new experiences together... her passion was horseback riding.. she took me, and within 5 minutes I was being kicked by the horse next to me, in the whole group I had the only male and the mares didn't like him...lololol... they each kicked my horse and much of the time it was where my foot was... I was no so excited at that point but faked my excitement as to not look like a chicken... 20 minutes later my horse went into a full 100 MPH run... I screamed the whole way... then all the sudden, he bucked and I landed.. I was hurt and was not able to breathe because I hit so hard... I had a bruise that covered my back and had to sit for a week on my knees...never went riding again....
She and I, even through a lot of not talking over the years are still best girlfriends... we can still finish each other sentences and know how the other one feels on site... we can still not sit together in a serious situation because we will glance at each other and laugh uncontrollably... to this day!
This is my Sher Bear and I love her....
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Sass-A-Frass
Sass has been an important part of my life. I have had him since Aug/7/1985, he was my best friend, my lil green baby. He is my bird. I would talk to him when I had no one, his first words were "whatcha doin huh?" scared the crap outa me, sitting at my desk getting ready for school and this lil squeeky voice asks me what I was doing. When I got him he had some training left to do. He was a biter but also a lover. When I fell in love with him was one night, I was sitting in my room watching TV and he was sitting on my shoulder and burried himself in my hair and fell asleep. I loved him from that moment on. He was pal, my buddy my first born.
He used to take rides with me in the car, he loved that. One day after a ride, I got out and he flew away. I ran for him hours, praying that God bring him back to me, sitting in my tears I hear this lil voice. Sherrie, sherrie... (he learned my friends name and never mine..lol) I found him in a tree, I climed the fence and took him home. From there, we moved together many times, even to and From North Carolina.
I was still in High school, had a lota time to spend with him, got married... he was mine and husbands baby. He was allowed to wonder the house when he wanted. life became a lil busier and his trips out of his cage became less and less... worried he would get hurt became an obsession. I could not let him out because in my mind I thought I would lose him, so I keep him in his cage, he sits there all day. I say hello and goodnight... that is it.
Holding onto him is wrong, I cannot continue this selfishness. He has a lot of life in him, years I pray and his quality of life is worth more than me.
I have decided to give him to my sister Tiffany, she will love him, and give him a much better quality of life.
So, my lil guy will leave me today.
He used to take rides with me in the car, he loved that. One day after a ride, I got out and he flew away. I ran for him hours, praying that God bring him back to me, sitting in my tears I hear this lil voice. Sherrie, sherrie... (he learned my friends name and never mine..lol) I found him in a tree, I climed the fence and took him home. From there, we moved together many times, even to and From North Carolina.
I was still in High school, had a lota time to spend with him, got married... he was mine and husbands baby. He was allowed to wonder the house when he wanted. life became a lil busier and his trips out of his cage became less and less... worried he would get hurt became an obsession. I could not let him out because in my mind I thought I would lose him, so I keep him in his cage, he sits there all day. I say hello and goodnight... that is it.
Holding onto him is wrong, I cannot continue this selfishness. He has a lot of life in him, years I pray and his quality of life is worth more than me.
I have decided to give him to my sister Tiffany, she will love him, and give him a much better quality of life.
So, my lil guy will leave me today.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Slipping through my fingers
When you're already depressed about your child, this is the last song to play. I lost it, I actually laid in my bed, kicked my feet and hit with my hands and yelled I HATE YOU, to my dead mother. I really don't hate her, but how wonderful would it to know a mothers love? Know the experience of having a mom or remembering back to one when in a sad or scared part of parenting.
I have such fading memories of her.
Lets start with this one:
My mother died when I was 8, she worked in a gas station as the manager and had to back into work to make sure the money was counted correctly. I asked my mom if I could go over to my friends house to spend the night, and after about an hour of screaming I hate you mommy, she let me go. The next morning, when I came home she was gone. I swore I would never say those words to anyone, and yet again, my mother was told yet again, I hate her.
I don't, I was being a child, we all have those moments. I wanted her to hold me, tell me things are going to be okay, sing her favorite Elvis song (I can't help falling in love with you) I remeber laying on her lap and her singing that song and rocking me when I had a bad day, was sick or just a moment she had to hold me. I can see her smile when I close my eyes, I can also see her tears, and pray with all my heart she did know how much I loved her and how much I miss her and need her now.
I need to know what to do and how to do it. I want my mommy, yep, my MOMMY to hold me and just whisper our song in my ear.
I have such fading memories of her.
Lets start with this one:
My mother died when I was 8, she worked in a gas station as the manager and had to back into work to make sure the money was counted correctly. I asked my mom if I could go over to my friends house to spend the night, and after about an hour of screaming I hate you mommy, she let me go. The next morning, when I came home she was gone. I swore I would never say those words to anyone, and yet again, my mother was told yet again, I hate her.
I don't, I was being a child, we all have those moments. I wanted her to hold me, tell me things are going to be okay, sing her favorite Elvis song (I can't help falling in love with you) I remeber laying on her lap and her singing that song and rocking me when I had a bad day, was sick or just a moment she had to hold me. I can see her smile when I close my eyes, I can also see her tears, and pray with all my heart she did know how much I loved her and how much I miss her and need her now.
I need to know what to do and how to do it. I want my mommy, yep, my MOMMY to hold me and just whisper our song in my ear.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
grr
Yes, I see a ton of errors in my post, ignore them for me, will ya? If you don't I am gonna have to go in and fix them, it is driving me more crazy than I already am, see this really smart smart man I know has taught me grammar and all that crap and now I kinda obsess...
Holding on, or letting go?
My dear, sweet, beautiful, determined, headstrong, stubborn, angry, teen is planning moving out in 2 months (when she turns 18) mind you, she doesn't have a drivers licence, job and has not even looked. She will not graduate on time but reassures me she will remain in school. Hahaha!
I argue with her about all these issues, one minute I want her out NOW and the next I do not wanna let go. How do mothers let go? How can I watch her walk out the door and not see her everyday, wonder what she is doing, eating, drinking (water not alcohol)
It saddens me because she isn't ready, but feels she will be in 2 months.
I have to let go and watch her fly but I so badly wanna fly with her, teach her and help her choose right and not wrong.
We are mom and daughter and best friends and sometimes enemy's, but I love her so much.
Is it against the law to lock her up for 3 more years??
Went to my mental health Dr. We have a new diagnosis to my list of others, not only am I suffering from depression and anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. I know have a new one added to my list OCD, I made the mistake of telling the Dr one of his pictures were crooked, he folded his hands, sat back in his seat and smiled and asked "oh really, what else have you been studying in here) and of course the first thing that came out was that he had more circles in his office than in other offices I have counted, he then looked and me and asked how many drawers were in his file cabinet, I stated 24, and at that moment I was RED! And I could not stop with the counting squares and comparing to circles in places I go because I just have to know how many squares versus circles there are because we all know there are more squares than circles and if you do not believe me you're gonna have to prove it.
I have probably had this disorder since I was a young child, when I get scared or nervous I clean, make sure everything is in it's "spot" and trust me, everything has a spot.
My husband calls me rain man because he has endured my endless counting for years.
My head is wired funny, eh?
I argue with her about all these issues, one minute I want her out NOW and the next I do not wanna let go. How do mothers let go? How can I watch her walk out the door and not see her everyday, wonder what she is doing, eating, drinking (water not alcohol)
It saddens me because she isn't ready, but feels she will be in 2 months.
I have to let go and watch her fly but I so badly wanna fly with her, teach her and help her choose right and not wrong.
We are mom and daughter and best friends and sometimes enemy's, but I love her so much.
Is it against the law to lock her up for 3 more years??
Went to my mental health Dr. We have a new diagnosis to my list of others, not only am I suffering from depression and anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder. I know have a new one added to my list OCD, I made the mistake of telling the Dr one of his pictures were crooked, he folded his hands, sat back in his seat and smiled and asked "oh really, what else have you been studying in here) and of course the first thing that came out was that he had more circles in his office than in other offices I have counted, he then looked and me and asked how many drawers were in his file cabinet, I stated 24, and at that moment I was RED! And I could not stop with the counting squares and comparing to circles in places I go because I just have to know how many squares versus circles there are because we all know there are more squares than circles and if you do not believe me you're gonna have to prove it.
I have probably had this disorder since I was a young child, when I get scared or nervous I clean, make sure everything is in it's "spot" and trust me, everything has a spot.
My husband calls me rain man because he has endured my endless counting for years.
My head is wired funny, eh?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
re-newing wedding vows
We have decided it's the time to renew our vows before God, friends and family.
We plan on Jan-16-2010 (our aniversary)
Gives me something to look forward to, I need this type of inspiration to keep my mind busy.
It's early and I am not inspired to blog today, not enough coffee.
This last week I over-spent, over slept and have been blah. Memories are triggered daily, the need to feel happy is so strong and I cannot find it. I am lame, I know.
I cling to the song " It is well with my soul" I feel God has this song in my head for me.
I am still fat. still a Christian and a lil suicidal, but that feeling is not as often. When you spend 34 years wishing to die it's not an easy thing to get over.
Life can be so odd and painful, How do I find a reason to be happy?
We plan on Jan-16-2010 (our aniversary)
Gives me something to look forward to, I need this type of inspiration to keep my mind busy.
It's early and I am not inspired to blog today, not enough coffee.
This last week I over-spent, over slept and have been blah. Memories are triggered daily, the need to feel happy is so strong and I cannot find it. I am lame, I know.
I cling to the song " It is well with my soul" I feel God has this song in my head for me.
I am still fat. still a Christian and a lil suicidal, but that feeling is not as often. When you spend 34 years wishing to die it's not an easy thing to get over.
Life can be so odd and painful, How do I find a reason to be happy?
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Love you Till the End
The Pogues song I love you till the end:
My husband of 20 years had an affair a few years back. He told me and begged for forgivness. I was so hurt, angry and confused. After years of feeling he owed me made me more bitter. I finally was able to not only forgive with words but felt it in my heart. I was finally free.
I have forgiven the woman and it truly makes me feel lighter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3dtfFG-5QQ
I have had a tough week, I am tired and have had the urge to meet Jesus, I am talking about it as I should be.
so far, we have covered abuse. The fact I knew how to perform sexual acts before I could write my name. My husband cheated on me. This is not my whole story. I plan to cover more and more about me over this daily blog.
My husband of 20 years had an affair a few years back. He told me and begged for forgivness. I was so hurt, angry and confused. After years of feeling he owed me made me more bitter. I finally was able to not only forgive with words but felt it in my heart. I was finally free.
I have forgiven the woman and it truly makes me feel lighter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3dtfFG-5QQ
I have had a tough week, I am tired and have had the urge to meet Jesus, I am talking about it as I should be.
so far, we have covered abuse. The fact I knew how to perform sexual acts before I could write my name. My husband cheated on me. This is not my whole story. I plan to cover more and more about me over this daily blog.
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