Morph

I am planning my "morphing" stage. Walk, weights, situps... I'm already tired just thinking about how to change the body, but it leads me to how am I going to change the mind. I am on meds for depression, anxiety and PTSD and so far all I am is numb and have issues with my short term memory. So by tomorrow I will have forgotten I posted on here... haha

The song of the month has been "It is Well with my Soul" an old hymn but one of my favorites. The song was written a billion years ago by a man that lost his wife and children and yet he had the faith and strength to continue his faith and love for God. I think about his burden and it makes mine look simple but I cannot get my head and heart to work together.

I think about suicide all the time, it's an issue with the doctors because when they ask have I thought about killing myself, it is always yes and has been for 20 years. Not a new thought, I was just caught this time. Talking to someone seems pointless because I hate talking about my personal issues, makes me feel worse, not better.

To a lighter subject - My daughter lost her last cell phone and I got her a new one. this is her 15th cell phone, not joking, she has dropped others in milk, a toilet, washed it with a load of laundry, lost many... and each time there is such distress in losing her ability to text.. I would love to turn off the computer, cell phone and TV for just 5 days and see what happens. I may try this just to show the kids that their lives are just sitting and talking to people through myspace and texting. Not even using their voices.. wow, when I was a kid I had dolls and match box cars and an Easy Bake Oven, my phone was two cups tied to a string and writing poems on paper.. I guess the paper thing isn't a good way to go as we need to save our trees so I hear.

ramblerambleramble

Changes

I know my name is a bit odd, but yes, it is possible to be a Christian and fail miserably at life.
I have contemplated, attempted and begged to die. I have also prayed to live.
My last attempt almost did it, but I was not able to wake up when my husband tried toi wake me. I have also taken bottles of pills and would think "If God wants me to live I will wake up" only to find myself awake and just fine. It is a game I call life roulette.
I have been in a hospital that is meant to help those who are like me, wanting to die, but all they do is drug you up so bad that you cannot make a decision. Kinda funny, then they send you home after you have been medicated for a week.
People ask what drives this thought and my life is not open for explaining to most who ask.
My life has never been normal, my mom married a man that liked lil girls and he had many friends that shared his taste, mom dies when I am 8 and then a new chapter of abuse started.
I looked like a normal teen, but there were many things hidden amongst my shoes in my closet.
So, here I am, 41 years old, 2 kids (18 and 13) a husband of 21 years, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 1 bird, a rabbit and a turtle. I also have a fulltime job. I am blogging as a way to help myself and if someone happens to find my blog maybe I can help them too.
Changes have to be made, all the normal ones, lose weight, quit smoking and stop coveting.
So, my attempt at being happy is CHANGES! Look for me, I will be the one trying to walk 10 miles a day.. haha