Changes

I know my name is a bit odd, but yes, it is possible to be a Christian and fail miserably at life.
I have contemplated, attempted and begged to die. I have also prayed to live.
My last attempt almost did it, but I was not able to wake up when my husband tried toi wake me. I have also taken bottles of pills and would think "If God wants me to live I will wake up" only to find myself awake and just fine. It is a game I call life roulette.
I have been in a hospital that is meant to help those who are like me, wanting to die, but all they do is drug you up so bad that you cannot make a decision. Kinda funny, then they send you home after you have been medicated for a week.
People ask what drives this thought and my life is not open for explaining to most who ask.
My life has never been normal, my mom married a man that liked lil girls and he had many friends that shared his taste, mom dies when I am 8 and then a new chapter of abuse started.
I looked like a normal teen, but there were many things hidden amongst my shoes in my closet.
So, here I am, 41 years old, 2 kids (18 and 13) a husband of 21 years, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 1 bird, a rabbit and a turtle. I also have a fulltime job. I am blogging as a way to help myself and if someone happens to find my blog maybe I can help them too.
Changes have to be made, all the normal ones, lose weight, quit smoking and stop coveting.
So, my attempt at being happy is CHANGES! Look for me, I will be the one trying to walk 10 miles a day.. haha