Blogging

I find it funny that there are days when I have some wit and humor, sadness and anger and lately... blank.. I am blank... Not sure what to Blog about... let me think on this...
I have a therapist that I really like and trust, I have a husband, 2 children, Mikey, my family and friends that love me... (using my logical side of my brain) I am looking at things more logical... or trying... if I die, would my family really be better? Would my friends be any better... Would that glorify God? nope... see? I am getting it... when I feel overwhelmed I am trying to use that side rather than the fight or flight in me...

I love you family and friends...

The Edge of What?

There are days I wake up feeling like something is very wrong... I sit and think about what is possibly bothering me... Danni will be 18, I am already scared she will not graduate. Maybe this is the dread... knowing I failed her...

The cliff I am looking over is deep.... I cannot talk to anyone because if I do, it hurts and scares those that love me...

This is a ridiculous feeling and yet I cannot control it. I wish I was better. I wish I didn't worry all the time, I wish I didn't feel like I have to work so hard around the house for love and appreciation. I wish my mind would stop running in circles and I wish that every new situation is a bad one. There has to be help... I have not given up on God, or my dad... my family or my friends... I am just tired and need to figure my head and heart out. I have no energy to explain how I feel because it is stuck in here. If you're not good at reading minds it's not gonna help talking about it. I am shaking, scared... and I need something and am not sure what it is....

Here I go again... the deep end is near for a few more days...

I pray God takes away this sadness and anger before I jump.

When Fruit sits in alcohol for a week

We had some Friends over to play poker and have a few drinks.. I was the smart one and hardly drank... just enough to feel good but not walk or talk stoopid...
My friend on the other had ate 2 pieces of the fruit which has the same effect as the worm in a tequila bottle... This was a blast... I was sober and was able to sit back and watch her antics all night.
She had decided to go on walks without telling any of us, to say the least I did more walking last night than I have in a month...
She ended up walking home and hubby left after... It was hilarious!!!
Best fun and SOBER fun I have had in a very long time...

so the next time there is juice involved.... she is not getting any!

City High, What Would Yo Do?

Boys and girls, wanna hear a true story?Saturday night, was at this real wild party They had the liquor overflowin' the cup About 5, 6 strippers tryin' to work for a buck And I took one girl outside wit me Her name was Lonni, she went to Jr. High wit me I said, "Why you up in there dancin' for cash?I guess a whole lot's changed since I seen you last"She said, "What would you do if your son was at homeCryin' all alone on the bedroom floor?Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed himIs to sleep with a manFor a little bit of money and his daddy's gone Somewhere smokin' rock now In and out of lock down, I ain't got a job now So for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life"Me and my sister ran away so my daddy couldn't rape us Before I was a teenager, I done been through more shit You can't even relate to"What would you do if your son was at homeCryin' all alone on the bedroom floor?'Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed him Is to sleep with a man For a little bit of money and his daddy's gone Somewhere smokin' rock now In and out of lockdown, I ain't got a job now So for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call lifeWhat would you do if your son was at homeCryin' all alone on the bedroom floor?Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed him Is to sleep with a man For a little bit of money and his daddy's gone Somewhere smokin' rock now In and out of lockdown, I ain't got a job nowSo for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life.



This song hit me like a rock today... While I was being beat my brother was being molested by his own mother... I was adopted by my sister and her husband... I've never been a prostitute, but my brother, no where to go, lying on a bench, cuz he is homeless and hungry...the only way to feed himself was to prostitute himself... no one knew.... he was MY brother and I did not save him... I did not help him....

The evil I feel right now is scary to me.... If God didn't help me, why didn't he protect my brother...

I could kill this woman with my bare hands... and enjoy it... scared of me now?

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful! Cover Girl

I saw this commercial with Ellen Degeneres for cover girl age defying make up, she made a comment that made me laugh... "beauty on the inside is good but on the outside is better" her honesty through her jokes are so true.. people look for the beauty on the outside before they get to know how beautiful one is on the inside... beauty fades but a heart and love for people never fades.er

I have bout the products for outward beauty, I have spent 10.00 for a roller for under eye puffiness that doesn't work as well as my 2.00 hemorrhoid cream, I have bought many many things for the wrinkles around my lips... doesn't work, but when you're buying the product and so excited to see the results you really don't care about the price... same with diet pills... there is a standard that beauty is everything. I buy the magazines for tips on being beautiful, I buy the makeup to hide what isn't considered beautiful. I have tried almost everything that I can afford, yet, I am still overweight, I still have wrinkles and freckles...

Even with all my flaws I have people in my life that call me beautiful and love me in spite of the outer flaws....

The real love comes from God... He sees me... the real me, my thoughts, my fears ... my angry and not so christian feelings toward others... and He loves me no matter what.
If outward beauty is temporary shouldn't we all be more worried about out beauty within??

My new slogan... Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Christian Girl....

A Child

Holding back the tears were never hard to do, I had the act down. The child I was in public and the child I was in private. I looked like every other blue eyed, brown haired girl.
The other children so different than me. I hid my experience well as I had been instructed to do.
Where my hands should have been held with love they were placed in hands of a monster.
Where dreams of Cinderella were replaced by dread of how I would be awoken.
Will he be on top of me? Beside me? In me?
I can still smell his breath. His face more clear than my own mothers. His voice, his threats still ring through my ears. The heaviness of his body and the fear that screamed in my head afraid to scream out loud.
His hands on me, prodding me and teaching me how to touch back. He was proud of me. I touched as I was instructed. I was a quick learner... But why wasn't he teaching me to tie my shoes or how to write my name? Is this how all daddy's love? I had to wonder... Too young to know and too afraid to ask.
Hoping my mom would pick me up everyday, how I loved her. She told me stories, sang to me and held me when I cried... never knowing what was behind the eyes of her daughter.
Scared to say a word....
A letter written to Elvis... he was known as the "King" and this was my way of getting help...
I told him everything that was happening to me as legible as a 7 year old could write. I begged for him to come save me and my mommy... when I got a letter back.. the excitement and relief was dashed when it was a photo and a thank you note... he didn't read my letter. I was devastated.
Who out there could save me....?
Who cared enough to notice?

Deal or no Deal?

neurotic -
Definition:
mentally maladjusted

Synonyms:
aberrant, abnormal, anxious, basket case, bundle of nerves, choked, clutched, compulsive, deviant, disordered, disoriented, distraught, disturbed, erratic, hung up, hysteric, inhibited, manic, nervous, nervous wreck, obsessive, overwrought, psycho neurotic, unhealthy, unstable, upset, uptight, wired

Post traumatic stress disorder :

Definition:
condition following trauma
Synonyms:
PTSD, PTSS, battle fatigue, delayed-stress disorder, delayed-stress syndrome, post-traumatic stress syndrome, railway spine, shell-shock, trauma

Anxiety:

Definition:
worry, tension
Synonyms:
all-overs, angst, ants in pants, apprehension, botheration, butterflies, care, cold sweat, concern, creeps, disquiet, disquietude, distress, doubt, downer, drag*, dread, fidgets, flap, foreboding, fretfulness, fuss, goose bumps, heebie-jeebies, jitters, jumps, misery, misgiving, mistrust, nail-biting, needles, nervousness, panic, pins and needles, restlessness, shakes, shivers, solicitude, suffering, suspense, sweat*, trouble, uncertainty, unease, uneasiness, watchfulness, willies, worriment

Depression:

Synonyms:
abasement, abjection, abjectness, blahs, bleakness, blue funk, bummer, cheerlessness, dejection, desolation, desperation, despondency, disconsolation, discouragement, dispiritedness, distress, dole, dolefulness, dolor, downheartedness, dreariness, dullness, dumps, ennui, gloom, gloominess, heaviness of heart, heavyheartedness, hopelessness, lowness, lugubriosity, melancholia, melancholy, misery, mortification, qualm, sadness, sorrow, the blues, trouble, unhappiness, vapors, woefulness, worry

OCD:
Symptoms
Obsessions or compulsions that are not due to medical illness or drug use
Obsessions or compulsions that cause major distress or interfere with everyday life
An example of obsessive-compulsive disorder is excessive, repeated hand washing to ward off infection.
The person usually recognizes that the behavior is excessive or unreasonable.
Symptoms
Obsessions or compulsions that are not due to medical illness or drug use
Obsessions or compulsions that cause major distress or interfere with everyday life
An example of obsessive-compulsive disorder is excessive, repeated hand washing to ward off infection.
The person usually recognizes that the behavior is excessive or unreasonable.

I understand that the people in my life have a lot to take on. I am not your normal, everyday depressed, suicidal, fat Christian... seems that this "onion" has more layers than I thought possible.

The ideation of suicide is impossible to stop, for instance... my black widow nest. It was a passing but serious thought of how it would seem to be an accident, no questions asked. Hoarding pills that I had bought for the "perfect time" throwing them out and telling my husband about them (HUGE STEP!!)

My children dealing with an emotional, Self deprecating mother who had not learned simple mothering techniques from my mom...

Friends who have to worry and wonder if it's worth it?

My husband that is scared and probably tired from all my stupid mood swings... so, I ask the question.. Deal or no deal?

Can you deal? Is it possible that dealing will one day pay off? Or will I end up being that case that is holding only penny?

If the "No Deal" button is pressed... I will have to deal and will have to watch the cases open slowly and anticipating the dreaded penny as being my fate or worth.

Only time will tell........