The last two days have been weird, I started a new antidepressant and it is actually working! I am happy, maybe a little too happy...
I got up yesterday, worked out, came home and went back again later... I cleaned house, I was cheery and 7:30 hit and I crashed...7 hours later I am wide awake and excited to start my day... even though it started at 2:30 am.... Gonna have to force myself to stay awake tonight.
I finished the book Precious, it was incredibly sad and I have much in common with this brave girl who told her story of incest, pregnancy and abuse... it has inspired me to write my own book. I wanna tell my story and show others how you can survive, forgive and LIVE.
Figuring out how to start is hard... I can tell my story but writing it is different....
Once upon a time?
There once was a little girl?
ummmm..... a whole lota bad and good stuff!
The end?
It's in here somewhere just need to get it out.
So, today.... I'm happy and will remain happy!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
True or False?
After years spent listening to drunken rantings of someone I call psychotic and would make things up such as ( I am the Anti-Christ) because my eyes are red in photo's, or hitting herself on the head with a bat and telling people I did it I put very little, actually no trust at all in anything she has ever told me. I believe her mental capability is that of a 6 year old, unable to tell the difference between real and fantasy.
When I forgave my monsters, I forgave for what happened to me but am learning more and more things that I may have blocked out or I am dealing with another person that cannot tell real from not real. How do I believe and keep my head on straight? How do I keep my forgiveness in tact without knowing what is real and what isn't? Do I delve further or will that hurt me more in the long run? Is it possible that I was just the "one" and I did protect as I thought I had all these years or am I putting on a cloak of a super hero to feel better about myself?
What if all I just heard is true? I have already forgiven... do I confront my monsters or leave them where they are? A safe distance?
How are the people around me effected by me? I think of my past and then the last 18 years and see the huge mistakes I have made but none as bad as what I endured. Is it possible that I have an evilness about me that causes people to hurt themselves or hurt me? Do I cause more pain than I do good? I think about the people in my life over the past year who have been in this house, with me and have tried ending or contemplated ending their lives, Danni 3 times, me many times, Chris planning, my son planning and my brother attempting. Why? I do not believe it is the house, I believe there is something attacking me... I know I am not a "sane" person but this is a lot for me to handle. Kids, family, friends, money.... I seem to fail at most these common and very normal things. I have to look at it as failure because it is MY family and not someone Else's... make sense? yep, I think it does.
Pour my heart and feelings through blogging, think while I write, sit back and read what I wrote, feel desperation, hear my son waking up, wipe off the tears, shake off the sad face and place on a huge smile.
The End
When I forgave my monsters, I forgave for what happened to me but am learning more and more things that I may have blocked out or I am dealing with another person that cannot tell real from not real. How do I believe and keep my head on straight? How do I keep my forgiveness in tact without knowing what is real and what isn't? Do I delve further or will that hurt me more in the long run? Is it possible that I was just the "one" and I did protect as I thought I had all these years or am I putting on a cloak of a super hero to feel better about myself?
What if all I just heard is true? I have already forgiven... do I confront my monsters or leave them where they are? A safe distance?
How are the people around me effected by me? I think of my past and then the last 18 years and see the huge mistakes I have made but none as bad as what I endured. Is it possible that I have an evilness about me that causes people to hurt themselves or hurt me? Do I cause more pain than I do good? I think about the people in my life over the past year who have been in this house, with me and have tried ending or contemplated ending their lives, Danni 3 times, me many times, Chris planning, my son planning and my brother attempting. Why? I do not believe it is the house, I believe there is something attacking me... I know I am not a "sane" person but this is a lot for me to handle. Kids, family, friends, money.... I seem to fail at most these common and very normal things. I have to look at it as failure because it is MY family and not someone Else's... make sense? yep, I think it does.
Pour my heart and feelings through blogging, think while I write, sit back and read what I wrote, feel desperation, hear my son waking up, wipe off the tears, shake off the sad face and place on a huge smile.
The End
Monday, January 18, 2010
Life has so many unexpected turns and shake up's it's hard to keep count! I have celebrated my 22nd anniversary, was given help by a friend to celebrate this day. It is weird.. no emotions really, just feel kinda quiet.
I love my husband, I love my kids... I love my friends and family... what is making people who live here wanna die?
My daughter, myself, my brother and now my son is contemplating suicide. What mistakes have I made that have been so deadly?? I know I have made quite a few but ...wth?
One day I am up the next so depressed I cant move.. I am scared, sleepy and want so badly to have a "do-over"
I've lost my wit in my blogging... hahaha... it'll come back, I'm sure.
I have started a diet, lost 11 lbs in my first week, went off it one day and gained 5 back... lol... if this is a result it is a terrible diet!!! I gotta find balance and not run with the fads.
I love my husband, I love my kids... I love my friends and family... what is making people who live here wanna die?
My daughter, myself, my brother and now my son is contemplating suicide. What mistakes have I made that have been so deadly?? I know I have made quite a few but ...wth?
One day I am up the next so depressed I cant move.. I am scared, sleepy and want so badly to have a "do-over"
I've lost my wit in my blogging... hahaha... it'll come back, I'm sure.
I have started a diet, lost 11 lbs in my first week, went off it one day and gained 5 back... lol... if this is a result it is a terrible diet!!! I gotta find balance and not run with the fads.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)