Paranormal activity or Paranormal inactivity?

I am so amazed at the people who can blog every day! I cannot find the energy or the words to say everyday!!

So, thinking of the movie Paranormal activity, I started thinking of the root words, or it's origin.

If you have Paranormal activity is it possible to have Paranormal inactivity? That is what I have! Nothing at all strange happens. I guess that is a good thing because my faith says there is no in- between. Yikes! Think about it.. if you have some activity could it be ???

Or could it be the side effects of Prozac? haha. Think about it. If I try to go off my meds in hopes that I am cured, I have some pretty strange things happen to me and if I was back in the day and living in Salem I am positive I would have been burned and called a witch!

So, I am thinking Prozac isn't so bad today! Have you taken all your meds? Have you looked up everything you take to make sure you have a plan to go off them correctly?

Have a great day!! :-)

Onomatopoeia

Such a cool word! I have sat and thought about the pain of depression and physical illness. Ouch would not fall under the definition of Onomatopoeia, but if I use the words I hurt so bad I screech, or hiss that would make sense.

Yeah, I am blogging about a word. I am a word person. Favorite game is scrabble and close second is boggle. So, words I always find interesting and fun. I write poems and short life stories.

Okay, enough of the lesson.

Had pneumonia and was not able to blog. Sitting at the computer took a lot of energy.

I am finding therapy a bit difficult. I am a church going Christian and have always felt my problems were better off kept silent. Just between me and God. I finally told the whole truth. The many men that like little girls and were introduced to me by my adoptive dad.

God says to forgive, my monster has begged for forgiveness, I have forgiven and now I have to move forward. Question is, how?

How do you move forward and stop looking into that mental rear-view mirror? It's like when you have a car accident. You are constantly looking at every car, checking the rear view every 2 seconds. I feel like I am in a constant mirror. Am I waiting to be hurt again? Impossible, he has already hurt me and I am safe. But the feeling of fear is always there. Having met with my therapist and breaking down and falling apart I feel tired emotionally but also a fresh awareness of my painful history. I was asked if I have ever thought about writing a book. Yeah, I love writing but a book?? Hard!!

Gimme some thoughts blogging buddies!

102 temperature!

Blogging is very difficult with a fever and aches and pains that pneumonia brings!

I have nothing to say but aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

My "morbid" poem is being published!!

Pain

When you are at your emotional end, your mind takes a twisted bend.
When you wonder at all life's pain, salty tears flow like rain.
When you wonder if you can go on, pasted smiles all have gone.
When you feel life is too hard, the pain has left too deep a scar.
Looking for something to numb the pain.
Looking for something to help me feel sane.
You look at the pills, the razor or the gun.
You take the jump before healing has begun.
You look over the edge and close your eyes.
You feel no need for emotional goodbyes.
All the plans made as a child, pain took over I went wild.
All the dreams of happily ever after, took a turn and added a chapter.
All the innocent wishes placed on a star, closing my eyes and dreamt afar.
All the hopes that passed your lips, realizing those were not for you at your heart the pain rips.
Why did my plans take such a terrible twist, crying and screaming
Raising my fists, no more dreaming.

The guilt of taking my life has finally gone.
The painful pleasure here at last.
I am finally going where I belong.
No time for emotional goodbyes
it’s time I close my eyes.

To Filter or Not to Filter? That is the question!

So, my therapist has suggested to stop playing the “nice girl” all the time. State what I feel when I feel it. I am not always comfortable with this concept. I am always filtering and making sure to sound polite and kind. To change this in me is a difficult thing. I always notice those people that do not wear a filter. Like they are missing that part of the brain that says, whoa… wait! Think before you speak! Now I am practicing this behavior. I am doing this more in my head than I am out loud, but I always say practice makes perfect!
So, to filter, when to filter and when not to filter? Work in progress.
Always a work in progress it seems but life is becoming fun again. I am starting to laugh more, sleep better and yeah, yell for the right reasons.
Kids help you find the kid in yourself. I have two of them pointing out my kid side. So thankful for that. For them! So, play a little more, use your filter but also let it rest a little too.

I believe in you

Women,

No matter how sophisticated, grown up, successful or beautiful we are, we all have our insecure days.

 I believe in you, your authenticity, your uniqueness, your intensity. I love your restlessness and your hunger. You possess the energy that if unleashed, could transform, inspire and heal the world.

Everyone seems to have a certain way they want you to be, magazines, men, politicians, parents, siblings and even your girlfriends.
So many women are under the pressure of trying to please everyone.
To please, women starve themselves to look a certain way, women give in to men when we're not ready. To please our parents we become overachievers. If we are so busy trying to please everyone else where is the time to find what pleases us? Do you even know what your needs are? The act of "pleasing" makes everything murky. We lose track of ourselves. We stop uttering declaratory, we stop directing our lives. We tend to make everything OKAY than real.
So many teen girls have their lives hijacked, their thoughts and opinions of themselves are so distorted that teen suicide is at an all time high!
Some women have been trying to please their entire lives and have yet to figure out who they really are.

Women, move at your own speed, talk with confidence, wear what you want and not what is dictated to us. Take responsibility for who you really are. Listen to that little voice inside of you that pushes you to please and just do it YOUR way!
Women are emotional and caregivers... it's time we also take care of ourselves and encourage those women around us to do the same!

The Days of our Lifes (a funny story)

Ellen Degeneres and Oprah decided to take a vacation together and visit the lost island of “Terra Nova“. They soon discovered it was infested with terrible human eating creatures and became extremely sick and were flown to “General Hospital” where “Dr. Gregory House” and his team ran a lot of blood work, assumed it was Lupus and of course it wasn’t, they then discussed the possibility of them both having renal failure. The outcome was they had chicken pox. House released them but not before completely making an ass out of himself.
Back on the road they decided to pick up their “Friends“ “Jess” and “Whitney” and head to “Vegas“, they were ready to be “Up All Night“, and as we all know, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” There are NO “Bones” about it!!
They were in for a night of gambling and “Dancing with the Stars” and Oprah was very hopeful that they would play the hit single Monster “M.A.S.H.” We all know from watching Ellen that she loves to dance and is somewhat an “American Idol” when it comes to song and dance.
Their trip seemed to going just as planned, they were dancing, having fun. Things got a little freaky, “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” threw one of “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” at “Jess’s” head. “”Jess” didn’t get too upset, she just made up a little song about it and they went on to another “Casino”
They were starting to wonder about dinner when they ran into Gordon Ramsay, he invited them to take his private jet to have dinner at “Hell’s Kitchen” with he and his wife and children, he is quite the “Family Guy” The women jumped at the opportunity to watch Ramsay in action back at the kitchen with his chefs in training!
They were each given a glass of Champaign and toasted to each other “here is to each of us and our “True Life”
During the flight, there was a bit of turbulence and one of Ramsey’s porcelain “Russian Dolls” fell off the shelf and broke, and we all know the mouth that man has! He goes absolutely “MAD” and turns into a “Ninja Warrior” He soon calmed down and “Charmed “ the ladies with his stories of “Cupcake Wars” he had fought and won. Of how he had “Chopped” his finger off and had to have it repaired at an “ER” by “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” How sad he was when he ran a marathon to help in the fight against cancer but could not “Keep up with the Kardashaians” That will always be the thorn in his side.
The flight finally over, four hungry women and Gordon whose ego the women privately joked “he thinks he is “King of The Hill” made it to “Hell’s Kitchen” and had the pleasure of sharing a table with a person named “Dexter” , the women thought he was a bit off, kind of an odd person. “The Simpson’s” also shard the table with them. Aside from their odd color and loudness they were quite a fun group. But Dexter and Bart together had this menacing look…. Kind of like “Criminal Minds” and this made the women uncomfortable and they excused themselves and went to the bathroom to come up with an exit strategy. They called a “Taxi” and went back to the table where they had given an excuse of being too tired to eat and ran to the door.
Quite pleased with themselves and their ability to get out of a situation quickly they went out on the town, walking up and down the streets, looking in store windows at strappy sandals, contemplating having some “Sex and the City” while they were in the city, but they all knew that would make them each the “Biggest Loser” and they decided not to do anything their mothers would not be proud of. But somewhere in the back of their minds, “If the Price is Right” NO! well… “Deal or No deal” No! No ! No!
Oprah, Jess and Whitney all had to get back to work and Ellen decided to stay behind and do some shopping and take a vacation, so she called her wife Portia and asked if it would be okay and she said “Yes, Dear” just be home tomorrow” She drove her gal pals to the airport and set out with her “Entourage” and drove to the “OC” “The View” was “Bold and Beautiful” she thought to herself “My Wife and Kids” would be so happy here” (if I ever have kids, I do have animals and they are like my kids, so yes, I do I have kids (Doing the rambling that Ellen would do)” And thought how beautiful Portia would be “Pregnant and in Heels” maybe they would have twins. Boys! Name them Zack and Cody. What “Suite lives of Zack and Cody” would have!! Or girls! “Sister, Sister” then she thought they may have to “Downsize” and start “extreme couponing” with all those mouths to feed. Animals, twins! An urban “Animal Kingdom” or “Modern Family”
After what seemed like hours daydreaming of what life would be like, it was time to head to the hotel for the night. Little did she know that the “T.A.P.S” team would be there doing a “Paranormal State” study. This was so intriguing and was asked by the team if “Ellen” would join in the “Ghost Adventures” this was exciting and she jumped at the opportunity! She went to freshen up a bit first, but all she could find was some “Dirty Soap” and Revlon, I cannot use that product! She said to herself, “I am a easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl” washing with just water, she decided to go with just the fresh look. After all, it will be dark and Ghosts are not the “Fashion Police”
After given all the rules and the possible “Fear Factor” that comes with “Ghost Hunting” Ellen was ready! She was feeling like a modern day “Sherlock Holmes”
She was excited and “In it to WIN it!”
This “New House” was not “Designed to Sell” it was dark, scary and “Made” to look scary, not even the “Designing Women” could fix this mess up!
In the “Heat of The Night” Ellen could not take it anymore! The “Goosebumps” and “Fear” took all the “Glee” she had for this adventure. She could not compete with “Dora the Explorer” she felt “Alone in the Wild”
She decided to call it a night, an blogged about the “Days of our Lives” shared by herself, Oprah, Whitney and Jess.

Stock Market / up or down?

Wall Street starts off with the ringing of a bell, or the stock market does. Is followed by a lot of clapping, yelling and running in a chaotic motion. Angry faces, sometimes a smile.
You see the numbers climbing or falling that day or that minute. It is quite interesting to watch. The way it inches in either direction, the anticipation on the faces of each person below, how their mood will be affected by how the numbers do.
My day starts off with my alarm bell going off. Is followed by a lot of yawning and yelling (kids not happy to awaken) and running around the house in chaotic motions.
We watch each others faces to see what mood the other is in so we know how we are going to react. The mood inches slowly in either direction.
Depression starts off with alarms going off, followed by yelling, crying and the mind going in a million directions in a chaotic mess. You watch the world around you experience true emotions, either up or down and most the time its for a good reason. A solid reason. The anticipation of how the next hour and how to cope is always present.
Now, if only I could take a mental break and go on strike and force those little demons outa my head I would. I think anyone who suffers from depression would.
Isn’t it funny at how everyday life can be mimicked to something like the DOW!?

Common Side Effects, Less Common Side Effects, Rare Side Effects, Severe Side Effects:

Well, it happened to me... I was the Rare, Severe, get your butt to the ER NOW!



I went in thinking I had an infection and it got worse from there...

I went to the ER after sending out a FB poll on what to do, after being seen in the hospital and was sent home clueless as to what was going on with me.
It was all okay.... just a "panic attack" So, I went home, took my meds and went to sleep for a few hours.

When my husband (Todd) woke me up to see how I was, I could not make a word... if I did make a word I could not stop saying it ... like IIIIII
I had the face drooping on one side, a headache that was so painful I could not sleep, stuttering, not making sense. My brain was hearing my words clearly but when they passed through my lips it was if I was speaking in a foreign language.

I was terrified, went again to the hospital. We were certain I had a stroke.. EVERY effect I was feeling was a mirror to having a stroke.

After a very terrifying CT scan and 45 minutes waiting we learned it was not a stroke. (Praise God)

Next action: Rule out heart issues:

All was okay there!

Next Action: CALM VICKIE DOWN! The more upset I got the more I stuttered...

They realized that two of my medications were at fault. One more than the other. The fact that I have Gastro Pareses and do not digest like normal people the drug was building up in my system for days.

I am still very shaky, involuntary movement of my arms and legs, terrible ache in my muscles because of the constant movement.
This post took me two days to compose!
I urge you all to research ANY new medications, and if your dose has been increased. Make sure you look at all drug interactions, look at people who should NOT take or who should be on a lower dose. The severity of not paying attention can be fatal. Had I waited and thought this to be a "panic attack" and continued taking my meds I would be in a coma or dead.

hhhhhave a gggreat ddday!

Is it Happenstance?

Have you ever sat there is your self loathing, pity party and someone worse off walks into your life? It's kind of like getting hit on the head with a brick, for a moment you feel very normal and so very sane! and soooo happy to be alive!! its like a super high, the kind ya get from chocolate or well.... other things...."dot dot dot"

You get to be the listening to the sad story, the one NOT crying, NOT feeling, you are holding their hand and offering comfort and feeling a mixture of pleasure and fear. Pleasure at the fact you re finally the "normal one" and fear of when you will be the "freak" again.

People do not understand depression, bi-polar disorder, PTSD, OCD... I could go on and on but I don't want to waste an hour of my day listing all the mental illness'. People have to be educated, how does this happen? We have so many different organizations for breast cancer, diabetes, and other illnesses we need to have more done and more advocates for those suffering with a mental or emotional illness.

Okay, done ranting....

Happenstance... I like that word, I like the thought.

For instance, we bought a puppy a few months ago, he is a mixture of two labs, yellow and black so he looks like a Rotty, he is adorable. There were 7 males to choose from. I sat on the ground and let all these pups crawl all over me and there was this one who did not leave me when his mommy was let out of the house, he didn't care his brothers were all with their mom, he stayed with me, pulling my hair, biting my shoes. It was love at first bite!

Now, a few months later, and many bite marks on my shoes, bags... my BRA, I am wondering what I saw in this little brown eyed guy.

I watch him, his tail is ALWAYS wagging, he looks like he is always smiling and I absolutely love him. It was happenstance that day, because my eyes were drawn to a pure black lab but this lil man grabbed my heart!

Okay... so, now.................... not so sure....

Toxic Work Environment and Depression

In the past 8 months I have left two jobs. One I absolutely loved, but was so toxic it was making me sick physically and emotionally.

While sitting in the waiting room of ICU my manager at Mediconnect was texting me, yep. TEXTING me that if I did not return to work I would be written up. I had explained that this person was like a dad to me and I would make up my time and to please just wait until I got back to the office to have this conversation. So unprofessional. How did I react? I quit.

I had such respect and admiration for so many people in that company and realize that they are heartless.

In my attempt at getting back out there, I thought I would give a shot at Burger King... an easy, fun and fast paced job while I repaired the damage Mediconnect caused. But no, being paid 8.00 an hour I was faced with a bully of a manager who would yell at me and at customers. She actually had the audacity to tell me I piss her off after I had an issue with an order change. The customer said it was her fault but my bully manager just walked away...

I am seeing a very sad trend. Depression and Toxic work environments combined with terrible unethical managers.

I hold to the hope there are people, companies, owners, managers, CEO's that have integrity, heart and honest. I hope that if I start my own business I will hold to these values.

I know jobs are hard to find at the moment but being treated poorly to the point of depression and causing you to be sick is not worth it. Leave and never look back.

Okay, A year later?

Been a while since my last confession, I mean, Blogging.... I'm not even Catholic, what am I thinking!?
Not thinking is a better word.
The last year has been a hard one. Almost lost my best friend to kidney failure, I started back at Mediconnect and was treated like crap there and left.

Back to cutting myself... was not sleeping and decided it was time to GO back in.. I made the decision this time to get help.

I have a new "mental illness to add to the list of crazy" It's called....*coughcough*
Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have not followed my blog let me fill you in.
1 - Depression
2 - Suicidal
3 - PTSD
4 - ADD
5 - OCD
6- Insomnia
7 - now, as mentioned above, BPD!
I think that's it, I probably have to go back and see what else if any because I am also losing memory as I sit here... wait!? what did I say??

So, I was in a psych ward, not allowed to smoke (not good when ya wanna die!)
Food was gross and no coffee or Dr. Pepper! Why not!???
So if I ever feel this way again, I know to go to a hotel.... haha
Juuuuust a joke!

I have to give my new meds a chance, find a way to make my head stop all the pointless chattering. (no, I do not have Schizophrenia) I don't think so anyway? Have not been given this diagnosis that I can remember.

Okay, I was talking about this year....
My friend is better and is now living with us and he is improving every day.. an answer to a LOT of prayers.
My kids are doing pretty good. Prayer answered
Finances are terrible, but I pray for a miracle everyday.

I have pushed a lot of my friends to a lengthy distance and have a lot to do before I can socialize again. But I will get there *crossing all toes and fingers*

Stay alive!
Moi~