Onomatopoeia

Such a cool word! I have sat and thought about the pain of depression and physical illness. Ouch would not fall under the definition of Onomatopoeia, but if I use the words I hurt so bad I screech, or hiss that would make sense.

Yeah, I am blogging about a word. I am a word person. Favorite game is scrabble and close second is boggle. So, words I always find interesting and fun. I write poems and short life stories.

Okay, enough of the lesson.

Had pneumonia and was not able to blog. Sitting at the computer took a lot of energy.

I am finding therapy a bit difficult. I am a church going Christian and have always felt my problems were better off kept silent. Just between me and God. I finally told the whole truth. The many men that like little girls and were introduced to me by my adoptive dad.

God says to forgive, my monster has begged for forgiveness, I have forgiven and now I have to move forward. Question is, how?

How do you move forward and stop looking into that mental rear-view mirror? It's like when you have a car accident. You are constantly looking at every car, checking the rear view every 2 seconds. I feel like I am in a constant mirror. Am I waiting to be hurt again? Impossible, he has already hurt me and I am safe. But the feeling of fear is always there. Having met with my therapist and breaking down and falling apart I feel tired emotionally but also a fresh awareness of my painful history. I was asked if I have ever thought about writing a book. Yeah, I love writing but a book?? Hard!!

Gimme some thoughts blogging buddies!

102 temperature!

Blogging is very difficult with a fever and aches and pains that pneumonia brings!

I have nothing to say but aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

My "morbid" poem is being published!!

Pain

When you are at your emotional end, your mind takes a twisted bend.
When you wonder at all life's pain, salty tears flow like rain.
When you wonder if you can go on, pasted smiles all have gone.
When you feel life is too hard, the pain has left too deep a scar.
Looking for something to numb the pain.
Looking for something to help me feel sane.
You look at the pills, the razor or the gun.
You take the jump before healing has begun.
You look over the edge and close your eyes.
You feel no need for emotional goodbyes.
All the plans made as a child, pain took over I went wild.
All the dreams of happily ever after, took a turn and added a chapter.
All the innocent wishes placed on a star, closing my eyes and dreamt afar.
All the hopes that passed your lips, realizing those were not for you at your heart the pain rips.
Why did my plans take such a terrible twist, crying and screaming
Raising my fists, no more dreaming.

The guilt of taking my life has finally gone.
The painful pleasure here at last.
I am finally going where I belong.
No time for emotional goodbyes
it’s time I close my eyes.

To Filter or Not to Filter? That is the question!

So, my therapist has suggested to stop playing the “nice girl” all the time. State what I feel when I feel it. I am not always comfortable with this concept. I am always filtering and making sure to sound polite and kind. To change this in me is a difficult thing. I always notice those people that do not wear a filter. Like they are missing that part of the brain that says, whoa… wait! Think before you speak! Now I am practicing this behavior. I am doing this more in my head than I am out loud, but I always say practice makes perfect!
So, to filter, when to filter and when not to filter? Work in progress.
Always a work in progress it seems but life is becoming fun again. I am starting to laugh more, sleep better and yeah, yell for the right reasons.
Kids help you find the kid in yourself. I have two of them pointing out my kid side. So thankful for that. For them! So, play a little more, use your filter but also let it rest a little too.

I believe in you

Women,

No matter how sophisticated, grown up, successful or beautiful we are, we all have our insecure days.

 I believe in you, your authenticity, your uniqueness, your intensity. I love your restlessness and your hunger. You possess the energy that if unleashed, could transform, inspire and heal the world.

Everyone seems to have a certain way they want you to be, magazines, men, politicians, parents, siblings and even your girlfriends.
So many women are under the pressure of trying to please everyone.
To please, women starve themselves to look a certain way, women give in to men when we're not ready. To please our parents we become overachievers. If we are so busy trying to please everyone else where is the time to find what pleases us? Do you even know what your needs are? The act of "pleasing" makes everything murky. We lose track of ourselves. We stop uttering declaratory, we stop directing our lives. We tend to make everything OKAY than real.
So many teen girls have their lives hijacked, their thoughts and opinions of themselves are so distorted that teen suicide is at an all time high!
Some women have been trying to please their entire lives and have yet to figure out who they really are.

Women, move at your own speed, talk with confidence, wear what you want and not what is dictated to us. Take responsibility for who you really are. Listen to that little voice inside of you that pushes you to please and just do it YOUR way!
Women are emotional and caregivers... it's time we also take care of ourselves and encourage those women around us to do the same!

The Days of our Lifes (a funny story)

Ellen Degeneres and Oprah decided to take a vacation together and visit the lost island of “Terra Nova“. They soon discovered it was infested with terrible human eating creatures and became extremely sick and were flown to “General Hospital” where “Dr. Gregory House” and his team ran a lot of blood work, assumed it was Lupus and of course it wasn’t, they then discussed the possibility of them both having renal failure. The outcome was they had chicken pox. House released them but not before completely making an ass out of himself.
Back on the road they decided to pick up their “Friends“ “Jess” and “Whitney” and head to “Vegas“, they were ready to be “Up All Night“, and as we all know, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” There are NO “Bones” about it!!
They were in for a night of gambling and “Dancing with the Stars” and Oprah was very hopeful that they would play the hit single Monster “M.A.S.H.” We all know from watching Ellen that she loves to dance and is somewhat an “American Idol” when it comes to song and dance.
Their trip seemed to going just as planned, they were dancing, having fun. Things got a little freaky, “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” threw one of “Gene Simmons Family Jewels” at “Jess’s” head. “”Jess” didn’t get too upset, she just made up a little song about it and they went on to another “Casino”
They were starting to wonder about dinner when they ran into Gordon Ramsay, he invited them to take his private jet to have dinner at “Hell’s Kitchen” with he and his wife and children, he is quite the “Family Guy” The women jumped at the opportunity to watch Ramsay in action back at the kitchen with his chefs in training!
They were each given a glass of Champaign and toasted to each other “here is to each of us and our “True Life”
During the flight, there was a bit of turbulence and one of Ramsey’s porcelain “Russian Dolls” fell off the shelf and broke, and we all know the mouth that man has! He goes absolutely “MAD” and turns into a “Ninja Warrior” He soon calmed down and “Charmed “ the ladies with his stories of “Cupcake Wars” he had fought and won. Of how he had “Chopped” his finger off and had to have it repaired at an “ER” by “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” How sad he was when he ran a marathon to help in the fight against cancer but could not “Keep up with the Kardashaians” That will always be the thorn in his side.
The flight finally over, four hungry women and Gordon whose ego the women privately joked “he thinks he is “King of The Hill” made it to “Hell’s Kitchen” and had the pleasure of sharing a table with a person named “Dexter” , the women thought he was a bit off, kind of an odd person. “The Simpson’s” also shard the table with them. Aside from their odd color and loudness they were quite a fun group. But Dexter and Bart together had this menacing look…. Kind of like “Criminal Minds” and this made the women uncomfortable and they excused themselves and went to the bathroom to come up with an exit strategy. They called a “Taxi” and went back to the table where they had given an excuse of being too tired to eat and ran to the door.
Quite pleased with themselves and their ability to get out of a situation quickly they went out on the town, walking up and down the streets, looking in store windows at strappy sandals, contemplating having some “Sex and the City” while they were in the city, but they all knew that would make them each the “Biggest Loser” and they decided not to do anything their mothers would not be proud of. But somewhere in the back of their minds, “If the Price is Right” NO! well… “Deal or No deal” No! No ! No!
Oprah, Jess and Whitney all had to get back to work and Ellen decided to stay behind and do some shopping and take a vacation, so she called her wife Portia and asked if it would be okay and she said “Yes, Dear” just be home tomorrow” She drove her gal pals to the airport and set out with her “Entourage” and drove to the “OC” “The View” was “Bold and Beautiful” she thought to herself “My Wife and Kids” would be so happy here” (if I ever have kids, I do have animals and they are like my kids, so yes, I do I have kids (Doing the rambling that Ellen would do)” And thought how beautiful Portia would be “Pregnant and in Heels” maybe they would have twins. Boys! Name them Zack and Cody. What “Suite lives of Zack and Cody” would have!! Or girls! “Sister, Sister” then she thought they may have to “Downsize” and start “extreme couponing” with all those mouths to feed. Animals, twins! An urban “Animal Kingdom” or “Modern Family”
After what seemed like hours daydreaming of what life would be like, it was time to head to the hotel for the night. Little did she know that the “T.A.P.S” team would be there doing a “Paranormal State” study. This was so intriguing and was asked by the team if “Ellen” would join in the “Ghost Adventures” this was exciting and she jumped at the opportunity! She went to freshen up a bit first, but all she could find was some “Dirty Soap” and Revlon, I cannot use that product! She said to herself, “I am a easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl” washing with just water, she decided to go with just the fresh look. After all, it will be dark and Ghosts are not the “Fashion Police”
After given all the rules and the possible “Fear Factor” that comes with “Ghost Hunting” Ellen was ready! She was feeling like a modern day “Sherlock Holmes”
She was excited and “In it to WIN it!”
This “New House” was not “Designed to Sell” it was dark, scary and “Made” to look scary, not even the “Designing Women” could fix this mess up!
In the “Heat of The Night” Ellen could not take it anymore! The “Goosebumps” and “Fear” took all the “Glee” she had for this adventure. She could not compete with “Dora the Explorer” she felt “Alone in the Wild”
She decided to call it a night, an blogged about the “Days of our Lives” shared by herself, Oprah, Whitney and Jess.

Stock Market / up or down?

Wall Street starts off with the ringing of a bell, or the stock market does. Is followed by a lot of clapping, yelling and running in a chaotic motion. Angry faces, sometimes a smile.
You see the numbers climbing or falling that day or that minute. It is quite interesting to watch. The way it inches in either direction, the anticipation on the faces of each person below, how their mood will be affected by how the numbers do.
My day starts off with my alarm bell going off. Is followed by a lot of yawning and yelling (kids not happy to awaken) and running around the house in chaotic motions.
We watch each others faces to see what mood the other is in so we know how we are going to react. The mood inches slowly in either direction.
Depression starts off with alarms going off, followed by yelling, crying and the mind going in a million directions in a chaotic mess. You watch the world around you experience true emotions, either up or down and most the time its for a good reason. A solid reason. The anticipation of how the next hour and how to cope is always present.
Now, if only I could take a mental break and go on strike and force those little demons outa my head I would. I think anyone who suffers from depression would.
Isn’t it funny at how everyday life can be mimicked to something like the DOW!?