Toxic Work Environment and Depression

In the past 8 months I have left two jobs. One I absolutely loved, but was so toxic it was making me sick physically and emotionally.

While sitting in the waiting room of ICU my manager at Mediconnect was texting me, yep. TEXTING me that if I did not return to work I would be written up. I had explained that this person was like a dad to me and I would make up my time and to please just wait until I got back to the office to have this conversation. So unprofessional. How did I react? I quit.

I had such respect and admiration for so many people in that company and realize that they are heartless.

In my attempt at getting back out there, I thought I would give a shot at Burger King... an easy, fun and fast paced job while I repaired the damage Mediconnect caused. But no, being paid 8.00 an hour I was faced with a bully of a manager who would yell at me and at customers. She actually had the audacity to tell me I piss her off after I had an issue with an order change. The customer said it was her fault but my bully manager just walked away...

I am seeing a very sad trend. Depression and Toxic work environments combined with terrible unethical managers.

I hold to the hope there are people, companies, owners, managers, CEO's that have integrity, heart and honest. I hope that if I start my own business I will hold to these values.

I know jobs are hard to find at the moment but being treated poorly to the point of depression and causing you to be sick is not worth it. Leave and never look back.

Okay, A year later?

Been a while since my last confession, I mean, Blogging.... I'm not even Catholic, what am I thinking!?
Not thinking is a better word.
The last year has been a hard one. Almost lost my best friend to kidney failure, I started back at Mediconnect and was treated like crap there and left.

Back to cutting myself... was not sleeping and decided it was time to GO back in.. I made the decision this time to get help.

I have a new "mental illness to add to the list of crazy" It's called....*coughcough*
Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have not followed my blog let me fill you in.
1 - Depression
2 - Suicidal
3 - PTSD
4 - ADD
5 - OCD
6- Insomnia
7 - now, as mentioned above, BPD!
I think that's it, I probably have to go back and see what else if any because I am also losing memory as I sit here... wait!? what did I say??

So, I was in a psych ward, not allowed to smoke (not good when ya wanna die!)
Food was gross and no coffee or Dr. Pepper! Why not!???
So if I ever feel this way again, I know to go to a hotel.... haha
Juuuuust a joke!

I have to give my new meds a chance, find a way to make my head stop all the pointless chattering. (no, I do not have Schizophrenia) I don't think so anyway? Have not been given this diagnosis that I can remember.

Okay, I was talking about this year....
My friend is better and is now living with us and he is improving every day.. an answer to a LOT of prayers.
My kids are doing pretty good. Prayer answered
Finances are terrible, but I pray for a miracle everyday.

I have pushed a lot of my friends to a lengthy distance and have a lot to do before I can socialize again. But I will get there *crossing all toes and fingers*

Stay alive!
Moi~

Can you ever be too happy?

The last two days have been weird, I started a new antidepressant and it is actually working! I am happy, maybe a little too happy...
I got up yesterday, worked out, came home and went back again later... I cleaned house, I was cheery and 7:30 hit and I crashed...7 hours later I am wide awake and excited to start my day... even though it started at 2:30 am.... Gonna have to force myself to stay awake tonight.

I finished the book Precious, it was incredibly sad and I have much in common with this brave girl who told her story of incest, pregnancy and abuse... it has inspired me to write my own book. I wanna tell my story and show others how you can survive, forgive and LIVE.

Figuring out how to start is hard... I can tell my story but writing it is different....
Once upon a time?
There once was a little girl?

ummmm..... a whole lota bad and good stuff!
The end?

It's in here somewhere just need to get it out.

So, today.... I'm happy and will remain happy!

True or False?

After years spent listening to drunken rantings of someone I call psychotic and would make things up such as ( I am the Anti-Christ) because my eyes are red in photo's, or hitting herself on the head with a bat and telling people I did it I put very little, actually no trust at all in anything she has ever told me. I believe her mental capability is that of a 6 year old, unable to tell the difference between real and fantasy.
When I forgave my monsters, I forgave for what happened to me but am learning more and more things that I may have blocked out or I am dealing with another person that cannot tell real from not real. How do I believe and keep my head on straight? How do I keep my forgiveness in tact without knowing what is real and what isn't? Do I delve further or will that hurt me more in the long run? Is it possible that I was just the "one" and I did protect as I thought I had all these years or am I putting on a cloak of a super hero to feel better about myself?
What if all I just heard is true? I have already forgiven... do I confront my monsters or leave them where they are? A safe distance?

How are the people around me effected by me? I think of my past and then the last 18 years and see the huge mistakes I have made but none as bad as what I endured. Is it possible that I have an evilness about me that causes people to hurt themselves or hurt me? Do I cause more pain than I do good? I think about the people in my life over the past year who have been in this house, with me and have tried ending or contemplated ending their lives, Danni 3 times, me many times, Chris planning, my son planning and my brother attempting. Why? I do not believe it is the house, I believe there is something attacking me... I know I am not a "sane" person but this is a lot for me to handle. Kids, family, friends, money.... I seem to fail at most these common and very normal things. I have to look at it as failure because it is MY family and not someone Else's... make sense? yep, I think it does.

Pour my heart and feelings through blogging, think while I write, sit back and read what I wrote, feel desperation, hear my son waking up, wipe off the tears, shake off the sad face and place on a huge smile.

The End

Life has so many unexpected turns and shake up's it's hard to keep count! I have celebrated my 22nd anniversary, was given help by a friend to celebrate this day. It is weird.. no emotions really, just feel kinda quiet.
I love my husband, I love my kids... I love my friends and family... what is making people who live here wanna die?
My daughter, myself, my brother and now my son is contemplating suicide. What mistakes have I made that have been so deadly?? I know I have made quite a few but ...wth?

One day I am up the next so depressed I cant move.. I am scared, sleepy and want so badly to have a "do-over"

I've lost my wit in my blogging... hahaha... it'll come back, I'm sure.

I have started a diet, lost 11 lbs in my first week, went off it one day and gained 5 back... lol... if this is a result it is a terrible diet!!! I gotta find balance and not run with the fads.

Sleeping NOT!

Okay, Ambien is a pill that works as an upper to me....
I need to sleep... I have strange dreams....
Blogging is fun but I have ran outa wit....

My kids are getting older so this Christmas is kinda sad... not a lot of excitement as usual... makes me sad...

Beer and a Bible

I celebrated my birthday yesterday and my day started at church....
How often I don't talk to those I love about really living sat in. How can I talk to someone about God with a beer in one hand and the Bible in the other? I would always think "one more party to go to then I'll be a good Christian woman" the parties just kept coming, my excuse was "this is the last time"

My love for those that are close to me is nothing if I do not share what God has done for us... He died for me... for you... what in this life is worth anything??

Those who doubt God, His sacrifice for us, His birth and the Cross need to hear what I have to say.

It is not by works, it is through Christ alone that we enter the kingdom of heaven.

Yes, my friend... I am talking to YOU.... my love goes beyond this life and into the next.... listen to me... I love you!!