After years spent listening to drunken rantings of someone I call psychotic and would make things up such as ( I am the Anti-Christ) because my eyes are red in photo's, or hitting herself on the head with a bat and telling people I did it I put very little, actually no trust at all in anything she has ever told me. I believe her mental capability is that of a 6 year old, unable to tell the difference between real and fantasy.
When I forgave my monsters, I forgave for what happened to me but am learning more and more things that I may have blocked out or I am dealing with another person that cannot tell real from not real. How do I believe and keep my head on straight? How do I keep my forgiveness in tact without knowing what is real and what isn't? Do I delve further or will that hurt me more in the long run? Is it possible that I was just the "one" and I did protect as I thought I had all these years or am I putting on a cloak of a super hero to feel better about myself?
What if all I just heard is true? I have already forgiven... do I confront my monsters or leave them where they are? A safe distance?
How are the people around me effected by me? I think of my past and then the last 18 years and see the huge mistakes I have made but none as bad as what I endured. Is it possible that I have an evilness about me that causes people to hurt themselves or hurt me? Do I cause more pain than I do good? I think about the people in my life over the past year who have been in this house, with me and have tried ending or contemplated ending their lives, Danni 3 times, me many times, Chris planning, my son planning and my brother attempting. Why? I do not believe it is the house, I believe there is something attacking me... I know I am not a "sane" person but this is a lot for me to handle. Kids, family, friends, money.... I seem to fail at most these common and very normal things. I have to look at it as failure because it is MY family and not someone Else's... make sense? yep, I think it does.
Pour my heart and feelings through blogging, think while I write, sit back and read what I wrote, feel desperation, hear my son waking up, wipe off the tears, shake off the sad face and place on a huge smile.
The End
I'm assuming your first paragraph was about Dorothy and you heard this stuff from Bill. If I'm wrong, let me know. If you feel you are hurting the people who have moved into your house more than you've helped them then their mere presence is probably not helping you or your family.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you want to talk this through deeply so I'm sure your shrink (who admonished you last month for not seeing him) will be ready to listen and help. I don't think it helps talking to Bill if this is going to be the subject. If you have forgiven her then hearing more of what she did to your subconscious is only hurting you. Please see your doctor, Vick.
I can't make you kick these people out of your house but if I were your hubby I would insist that both of you should do it. Just from a financial standpoint. These are 2 able-bodied grown men that you and Todd are supporting. You're barely eking by as it is. I'm sorry if this sounds heartless but your health and your childrens' health should be upmost in your mind and if people are talking or acting suicidal that just makes it that much worse. I love you and need you. M