True or False?

After years spent listening to drunken rantings of someone I call psychotic and would make things up such as ( I am the Anti-Christ) because my eyes are red in photo's, or hitting herself on the head with a bat and telling people I did it I put very little, actually no trust at all in anything she has ever told me. I believe her mental capability is that of a 6 year old, unable to tell the difference between real and fantasy.
When I forgave my monsters, I forgave for what happened to me but am learning more and more things that I may have blocked out or I am dealing with another person that cannot tell real from not real. How do I believe and keep my head on straight? How do I keep my forgiveness in tact without knowing what is real and what isn't? Do I delve further or will that hurt me more in the long run? Is it possible that I was just the "one" and I did protect as I thought I had all these years or am I putting on a cloak of a super hero to feel better about myself?
What if all I just heard is true? I have already forgiven... do I confront my monsters or leave them where they are? A safe distance?

How are the people around me effected by me? I think of my past and then the last 18 years and see the huge mistakes I have made but none as bad as what I endured. Is it possible that I have an evilness about me that causes people to hurt themselves or hurt me? Do I cause more pain than I do good? I think about the people in my life over the past year who have been in this house, with me and have tried ending or contemplated ending their lives, Danni 3 times, me many times, Chris planning, my son planning and my brother attempting. Why? I do not believe it is the house, I believe there is something attacking me... I know I am not a "sane" person but this is a lot for me to handle. Kids, family, friends, money.... I seem to fail at most these common and very normal things. I have to look at it as failure because it is MY family and not someone Else's... make sense? yep, I think it does.

Pour my heart and feelings through blogging, think while I write, sit back and read what I wrote, feel desperation, hear my son waking up, wipe off the tears, shake off the sad face and place on a huge smile.

The End

Life has so many unexpected turns and shake up's it's hard to keep count! I have celebrated my 22nd anniversary, was given help by a friend to celebrate this day. It is weird.. no emotions really, just feel kinda quiet.
I love my husband, I love my kids... I love my friends and family... what is making people who live here wanna die?
My daughter, myself, my brother and now my son is contemplating suicide. What mistakes have I made that have been so deadly?? I know I have made quite a few but ...wth?

One day I am up the next so depressed I cant move.. I am scared, sleepy and want so badly to have a "do-over"

I've lost my wit in my blogging... hahaha... it'll come back, I'm sure.

I have started a diet, lost 11 lbs in my first week, went off it one day and gained 5 back... lol... if this is a result it is a terrible diet!!! I gotta find balance and not run with the fads.

Sleeping NOT!

Okay, Ambien is a pill that works as an upper to me....
I need to sleep... I have strange dreams....
Blogging is fun but I have ran outa wit....

My kids are getting older so this Christmas is kinda sad... not a lot of excitement as usual... makes me sad...

Beer and a Bible

I celebrated my birthday yesterday and my day started at church....
How often I don't talk to those I love about really living sat in. How can I talk to someone about God with a beer in one hand and the Bible in the other? I would always think "one more party to go to then I'll be a good Christian woman" the parties just kept coming, my excuse was "this is the last time"

My love for those that are close to me is nothing if I do not share what God has done for us... He died for me... for you... what in this life is worth anything??

Those who doubt God, His sacrifice for us, His birth and the Cross need to hear what I have to say.

It is not by works, it is through Christ alone that we enter the kingdom of heaven.

Yes, my friend... I am talking to YOU.... my love goes beyond this life and into the next.... listen to me... I love you!!

December

December is a month I find hard to handle. Not because of depression issues but because what have I done with my life since the last one?
A lot this year... haha
I ended up on dissability, missing my job a LOT, sleeping to pass time.
Not how I want my last Christmas with all my kids home to be remembered....

How will I make a difference this coming year?? I am excited to see what changes will come in myself and in my family. I trust God has me in his hands and will guide me where I need to go and help me do what I need to do.

I am up and happy today, a list as long as my arm of things that need to be done.

Better get to work!!

Bluured Vision

Day after day I wake with the knowing of how today will go... it's so mundane, so natural and so lonely...
1- wake up
2- smile so Nathan feels good
3- try to stay awake for Danni
4- take pills, sleep
5- wake up for Todd
6 - take more pills and sleep again...
Day after day, same routine, same sadness and feeling of dread consumes me. Trying to be okay is tiring, I look at all my meds, they're not locked up anymore. I fantasize of taking them all. I have the perfect amount, I know this because of research... haha.. yup..
I don't give in, I remember Nathans scream when I passed out, I remember the pain I caused when I last attempted but the feeling of emptiness is so huge I am numb. Burn, cut? scream and throw a fit?? What do I do to feel?
So today I pondered this... What if I am normal, that 99% of the world is sad and lonely and those that are truly happy are the not-so-normal people?? What if the lines between what is normal and what isn't have been blurred by society the same as what is marketed as beautiful? Stick think people with perfect skin? What if this is a medicine marketing thing to keep us in such a state of despair we take their drugs and hope for the best?? Yes, I sound like my mother-in-law, completely mad and out of my mind... gotta laugh at myself...
So, is it possible that 99%of people out there have a blurred sense of vision as to what is normal??
God, I hope so because if this is what I have to look forward to day after day I hope my days are up soon and not by my own hands...
Is it possible I am attacked by a demon?? yep, I believe this.. I think I am possessed...
another sadness... when I give up why is it that the people that "love me" don't help me??? Why is it that I hear everyone yelling about the house being so dirty but everyone looking at me to fix it?? I am not working because I cannot, NOT because I don't want to. I have lost all sense of who I am without something outside this house. I walked into Mediconnect, a place I felt the most confident for the longest time and felt scared, sad and like I was floating through a memory, it wasn't real....
Will I ever fit in again? Will I ever wake up and actually thank God for the new morning? I doubt it. I just have to paint on my happy face, maybe take something to give me energy and try to make this house clean.,...lol... is the only thing I can think of today, aside from making dinner and talking to my family as if I am normal...it's funny to me. It's funny at how me being here is what has to happen... when is it going to be my turn to be selfish and run like I want??? Never? How depressing.....
I know that you people who read this and love me will be saddened by my words or laugh or not understand but you know what?? It's me. Mom, Sister, daughter, friend, wife... where is Vickie in all this?? She is left needing new glasses and a sense of what life is like without blurred vision...
Love you all...
your fat, suicidal, possessed Woman
Posted by Vickie at 7:27 AM 0 comments

Dreams!

I have had a self revelation in the past few weeks all because of dreams.... haha.. sounds funny, eh?
I have dreamt that Mike moved away and I never heard from him again, I have had two dreams involving Tricia being best friends with Angie the slut from NC and then another family... lol... gotta admit this is funny... Todd kissing another girl on my birthday. Danielle moving to another state.. I see it... The people I love the most and am so attached to are putting me on the lookout for the floor to drop again...
I know I never have to worry about this, I think it's how I have lived most of my life... waiting for something bad to happen and keeping myself low so I don't feel the pain as bad... is that a way to live??

No! I had another cancer scare (gets tiring) my Dr had me set up to see an oncologist but my blood came back okay... 2 months ago I would have been so sad to realize I wasn't dying..lol.. now, when I was again told about the possibility of cancer, I was scared... learning I was okay and hearing Todd's simple and sweet question "I'm not losing you?" made me so happy...
I will always have physical issues, is a part of the symptoms of PTST... I just gotta stop allowing it to rule my life!!

My family and friends are too important to me!!