Day after day I wake with the knowing of how today will go... it's so mundane, so natural and so lonely...
1- wake up
2- smile so Nathan feels good
3- try to stay awake for Danni
4- take pills, sleep
5- wake up for Todd
6 - take more pills and sleep again...
Day after day, same routine, same sadness and feeling of dread consumes me. Trying to be okay is tiring, I look at all my meds, they're not locked up anymore. I fantasize of taking them all. I have the perfect amount, I know this because of research... haha.. yup..
I don't give in, I remember Nathans scream when I passed out, I remember the pain I caused when I last attempted but the feeling of emptiness is so huge I am numb. Burn, cut? scream and throw a fit?? What do I do to feel?
So today I pondered this... What if I am normal, that 99% of the world is sad and lonely and those that are truly happy are the not-so-normal people?? What if the lines between what is normal and what isn't have been blurred by society the same as what is marketed as beautiful? Stick think people with perfect skin? What if this is a medicine marketing thing to keep us in such a state of despair we take their drugs and hope for the best?? Yes, I sound like my mother-in-law, completely mad and out of my mind... gotta laugh at myself...
So, is it possible that 99%of people out there have a blurred sense of vision as to what is normal??
God, I hope so because if this is what I have to look forward to day after day I hope my days are up soon and not by my own hands...
Is it possible I am attacked by a demon?? yep, I believe this.. I think I am possessed...
another sadness... when I give up why is it that the people that "love me" don't help me??? Why is it that I hear everyone yelling about the house being so dirty but everyone looking at me to fix it?? I am not working because I cannot, NOT because I don't want to. I have lost all sense of who I am without something outside this house. I walked into Mediconnect, a place I felt the most confident for the longest time and felt scared, sad and like I was floating through a memory, it wasn't real....
Will I ever fit in again? Will I ever wake up and actually thank God for the new morning? I doubt it. I just have to paint on my happy face, maybe take something to give me energy and try to make this house clean.,...lol... is the only thing I can think of today, aside from making dinner and talking to my family as if I am normal...it's funny to me. It's funny at how me being here is what has to happen... when is it going to be my turn to be selfish and run like I want??? Never? How depressing.....
I know that you people who read this and love me will be saddened by my words or laugh or not understand but you know what?? It's me. Mom, Sister, daughter, friend, wife... where is Vickie in all this?? She is left needing new glasses and a sense of what life is like without blurred vision...
Love you all...
your fat, suicidal, possessed Woman
Posted by Vickie at 7:27 AM 0 comments
My first instinct (after trying to call Todd) was to call you an asshole for lying to me. But I lie to you and everyone else lies to each other too - so I guess that makes us all assholes, eh? You have no demon possessing you - it is your thoughts that possess you and they are inescapable. I think what you said or asked is true: what if I'm normal and the so-called normal people are an aberration? Not everyone looks, feels or acts like people on TV or in movies. What is normal? What is good? What is evil? Why are there no concrete answers to life's mystery?
ReplyDeleteWhile waiting for you at the hospital I read part of that religious booklet in your car. It said life IS meaningless without God. We have no purpose without God. WE are God's purpose - God is not ours. Parts of that actually made sense to me. The fact that everyone's God is needed to feel hope in this life. It is supposed to get us through the sameness of the routine of our lives. It is to get us to realize there is a higher calling for us beyond this life. I thought of that often when I was working on the assembly line at the Kimberly-Clark Feminine Hygeine plant. Is this what I want in my life? To work here? To die here? I work 50 weeks out of the year to go on two weeks vacation someplace where I want to live all of the time. It seemed so damned unfair that with this one life I have, why does it have to be wasted in the endless slog of everyday struggles - being unhappy, in this rut of a life doing exactly the antithesis of what I want. I look back now and wish I hadn't left but there is part of me that for all the heartbreak and loss of money, home, friends and family that I caused, something in me is glad that I at least took that chance to try for a happier life. I knew it was doomed from the beginning but every time I think of San Francisco part of me is smiling. I experienced something that I knew I never would if I had stayed. Regret still wins but at least I got to poke life's inequality in the ribs that one time and say Hah!
Most people lead lives of quiet desperation. That is an apt quote but it goes nothing to assuage our feelings. We pretty much know we are not alone in our suffering. But there are a lot of rich assholes out there who do not deserve their good fortune. Is money God? Or is it the devil? Maybe both?
You talk, Vick, of when will it be your turn to be selfish and run like you want. What or where do you want to go? What is your ideal?
Je t'aime
(I love you in French)
Michael