December is a month I find hard to handle. Not because of depression issues but because what have I done with my life since the last one?
A lot this year... haha
I ended up on dissability, missing my job a LOT, sleeping to pass time.
Not how I want my last Christmas with all my kids home to be remembered....
How will I make a difference this coming year?? I am excited to see what changes will come in myself and in my family. I trust God has me in his hands and will guide me where I need to go and help me do what I need to do.
I am up and happy today, a list as long as my arm of things that need to be done.
Better get to work!!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Bluured Vision
Day after day I wake with the knowing of how today will go... it's so mundane, so natural and so lonely...
1- wake up
2- smile so Nathan feels good
3- try to stay awake for Danni
4- take pills, sleep
5- wake up for Todd
6 - take more pills and sleep again...
Day after day, same routine, same sadness and feeling of dread consumes me. Trying to be okay is tiring, I look at all my meds, they're not locked up anymore. I fantasize of taking them all. I have the perfect amount, I know this because of research... haha.. yup..
I don't give in, I remember Nathans scream when I passed out, I remember the pain I caused when I last attempted but the feeling of emptiness is so huge I am numb. Burn, cut? scream and throw a fit?? What do I do to feel?
So today I pondered this... What if I am normal, that 99% of the world is sad and lonely and those that are truly happy are the not-so-normal people?? What if the lines between what is normal and what isn't have been blurred by society the same as what is marketed as beautiful? Stick think people with perfect skin? What if this is a medicine marketing thing to keep us in such a state of despair we take their drugs and hope for the best?? Yes, I sound like my mother-in-law, completely mad and out of my mind... gotta laugh at myself...
So, is it possible that 99%of people out there have a blurred sense of vision as to what is normal??
God, I hope so because if this is what I have to look forward to day after day I hope my days are up soon and not by my own hands...
Is it possible I am attacked by a demon?? yep, I believe this.. I think I am possessed...
another sadness... when I give up why is it that the people that "love me" don't help me??? Why is it that I hear everyone yelling about the house being so dirty but everyone looking at me to fix it?? I am not working because I cannot, NOT because I don't want to. I have lost all sense of who I am without something outside this house. I walked into Mediconnect, a place I felt the most confident for the longest time and felt scared, sad and like I was floating through a memory, it wasn't real....
Will I ever fit in again? Will I ever wake up and actually thank God for the new morning? I doubt it. I just have to paint on my happy face, maybe take something to give me energy and try to make this house clean.,...lol... is the only thing I can think of today, aside from making dinner and talking to my family as if I am normal...it's funny to me. It's funny at how me being here is what has to happen... when is it going to be my turn to be selfish and run like I want??? Never? How depressing.....
I know that you people who read this and love me will be saddened by my words or laugh or not understand but you know what?? It's me. Mom, Sister, daughter, friend, wife... where is Vickie in all this?? She is left needing new glasses and a sense of what life is like without blurred vision...
Love you all...
your fat, suicidal, possessed Woman
Posted by Vickie at 7:27 AM 0 comments
1- wake up
2- smile so Nathan feels good
3- try to stay awake for Danni
4- take pills, sleep
5- wake up for Todd
6 - take more pills and sleep again...
Day after day, same routine, same sadness and feeling of dread consumes me. Trying to be okay is tiring, I look at all my meds, they're not locked up anymore. I fantasize of taking them all. I have the perfect amount, I know this because of research... haha.. yup..
I don't give in, I remember Nathans scream when I passed out, I remember the pain I caused when I last attempted but the feeling of emptiness is so huge I am numb. Burn, cut? scream and throw a fit?? What do I do to feel?
So today I pondered this... What if I am normal, that 99% of the world is sad and lonely and those that are truly happy are the not-so-normal people?? What if the lines between what is normal and what isn't have been blurred by society the same as what is marketed as beautiful? Stick think people with perfect skin? What if this is a medicine marketing thing to keep us in such a state of despair we take their drugs and hope for the best?? Yes, I sound like my mother-in-law, completely mad and out of my mind... gotta laugh at myself...
So, is it possible that 99%of people out there have a blurred sense of vision as to what is normal??
God, I hope so because if this is what I have to look forward to day after day I hope my days are up soon and not by my own hands...
Is it possible I am attacked by a demon?? yep, I believe this.. I think I am possessed...
another sadness... when I give up why is it that the people that "love me" don't help me??? Why is it that I hear everyone yelling about the house being so dirty but everyone looking at me to fix it?? I am not working because I cannot, NOT because I don't want to. I have lost all sense of who I am without something outside this house. I walked into Mediconnect, a place I felt the most confident for the longest time and felt scared, sad and like I was floating through a memory, it wasn't real....
Will I ever fit in again? Will I ever wake up and actually thank God for the new morning? I doubt it. I just have to paint on my happy face, maybe take something to give me energy and try to make this house clean.,...lol... is the only thing I can think of today, aside from making dinner and talking to my family as if I am normal...it's funny to me. It's funny at how me being here is what has to happen... when is it going to be my turn to be selfish and run like I want??? Never? How depressing.....
I know that you people who read this and love me will be saddened by my words or laugh or not understand but you know what?? It's me. Mom, Sister, daughter, friend, wife... where is Vickie in all this?? She is left needing new glasses and a sense of what life is like without blurred vision...
Love you all...
your fat, suicidal, possessed Woman
Posted by Vickie at 7:27 AM 0 comments
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Dreams!
I have had a self revelation in the past few weeks all because of dreams.... haha.. sounds funny, eh?
I have dreamt that Mike moved away and I never heard from him again, I have had two dreams involving Tricia being best friends with Angie the slut from NC and then another family... lol... gotta admit this is funny... Todd kissing another girl on my birthday. Danielle moving to another state.. I see it... The people I love the most and am so attached to are putting me on the lookout for the floor to drop again...
I know I never have to worry about this, I think it's how I have lived most of my life... waiting for something bad to happen and keeping myself low so I don't feel the pain as bad... is that a way to live??
No! I had another cancer scare (gets tiring) my Dr had me set up to see an oncologist but my blood came back okay... 2 months ago I would have been so sad to realize I wasn't dying..lol.. now, when I was again told about the possibility of cancer, I was scared... learning I was okay and hearing Todd's simple and sweet question "I'm not losing you?" made me so happy...
I will always have physical issues, is a part of the symptoms of PTST... I just gotta stop allowing it to rule my life!!
My family and friends are too important to me!!
I have dreamt that Mike moved away and I never heard from him again, I have had two dreams involving Tricia being best friends with Angie the slut from NC and then another family... lol... gotta admit this is funny... Todd kissing another girl on my birthday. Danielle moving to another state.. I see it... The people I love the most and am so attached to are putting me on the lookout for the floor to drop again...
I know I never have to worry about this, I think it's how I have lived most of my life... waiting for something bad to happen and keeping myself low so I don't feel the pain as bad... is that a way to live??
No! I had another cancer scare (gets tiring) my Dr had me set up to see an oncologist but my blood came back okay... 2 months ago I would have been so sad to realize I wasn't dying..lol.. now, when I was again told about the possibility of cancer, I was scared... learning I was okay and hearing Todd's simple and sweet question "I'm not losing you?" made me so happy...
I will always have physical issues, is a part of the symptoms of PTST... I just gotta stop allowing it to rule my life!!
My family and friends are too important to me!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
My Kids
I haven't blogged in a long time. Not sure why, just haven't had much to say.
My daughter turns 18 very soon and that makes me sad, it's my first baby all grown up (somewhat)
My son told me me he has thought of killing himself and is depressed... that about killed me, he said it bothered him that I sleep a lot and I am the only one he can talk to so I stopped taking my meds to make sure I am awake for him... slowing my progress some but he is worth my sanity and life.
I feel sad and bored most the time... not sure what to do with myself, I am so used to working that being at home is hard to do for so long. I need a hobby!
My daughter turns 18 very soon and that makes me sad, it's my first baby all grown up (somewhat)
My son told me me he has thought of killing himself and is depressed... that about killed me, he said it bothered him that I sleep a lot and I am the only one he can talk to so I stopped taking my meds to make sure I am awake for him... slowing my progress some but he is worth my sanity and life.
I feel sad and bored most the time... not sure what to do with myself, I am so used to working that being at home is hard to do for so long. I need a hobby!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Blogging
I find it funny that there are days when I have some wit and humor, sadness and anger and lately... blank.. I am blank... Not sure what to Blog about... let me think on this...
I have a therapist that I really like and trust, I have a husband, 2 children, Mikey, my family and friends that love me... (using my logical side of my brain) I am looking at things more logical... or trying... if I die, would my family really be better? Would my friends be any better... Would that glorify God? nope... see? I am getting it... when I feel overwhelmed I am trying to use that side rather than the fight or flight in me...
I love you family and friends...
I have a therapist that I really like and trust, I have a husband, 2 children, Mikey, my family and friends that love me... (using my logical side of my brain) I am looking at things more logical... or trying... if I die, would my family really be better? Would my friends be any better... Would that glorify God? nope... see? I am getting it... when I feel overwhelmed I am trying to use that side rather than the fight or flight in me...
I love you family and friends...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Edge of What?
There are days I wake up feeling like something is very wrong... I sit and think about what is possibly bothering me... Danni will be 18, I am already scared she will not graduate. Maybe this is the dread... knowing I failed her...
The cliff I am looking over is deep.... I cannot talk to anyone because if I do, it hurts and scares those that love me...
This is a ridiculous feeling and yet I cannot control it. I wish I was better. I wish I didn't worry all the time, I wish I didn't feel like I have to work so hard around the house for love and appreciation. I wish my mind would stop running in circles and I wish that every new situation is a bad one. There has to be help... I have not given up on God, or my dad... my family or my friends... I am just tired and need to figure my head and heart out. I have no energy to explain how I feel because it is stuck in here. If you're not good at reading minds it's not gonna help talking about it. I am shaking, scared... and I need something and am not sure what it is....
Here I go again... the deep end is near for a few more days...
I pray God takes away this sadness and anger before I jump.
The cliff I am looking over is deep.... I cannot talk to anyone because if I do, it hurts and scares those that love me...
This is a ridiculous feeling and yet I cannot control it. I wish I was better. I wish I didn't worry all the time, I wish I didn't feel like I have to work so hard around the house for love and appreciation. I wish my mind would stop running in circles and I wish that every new situation is a bad one. There has to be help... I have not given up on God, or my dad... my family or my friends... I am just tired and need to figure my head and heart out. I have no energy to explain how I feel because it is stuck in here. If you're not good at reading minds it's not gonna help talking about it. I am shaking, scared... and I need something and am not sure what it is....
Here I go again... the deep end is near for a few more days...
I pray God takes away this sadness and anger before I jump.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)