There are days I wake up feeling like something is very wrong... I sit and think about what is possibly bothering me... Danni will be 18, I am already scared she will not graduate. Maybe this is the dread... knowing I failed her...
The cliff I am looking over is deep.... I cannot talk to anyone because if I do, it hurts and scares those that love me...
This is a ridiculous feeling and yet I cannot control it. I wish I was better. I wish I didn't worry all the time, I wish I didn't feel like I have to work so hard around the house for love and appreciation. I wish my mind would stop running in circles and I wish that every new situation is a bad one. There has to be help... I have not given up on God, or my dad... my family or my friends... I am just tired and need to figure my head and heart out. I have no energy to explain how I feel because it is stuck in here. If you're not good at reading minds it's not gonna help talking about it. I am shaking, scared... and I need something and am not sure what it is....
Here I go again... the deep end is near for a few more days...
I pray God takes away this sadness and anger before I jump.
Vick - you are talking about "there has to be help" and "I have no energy to explain how I feel because it is stuck in here" and "I need something and am not sure what it is" but how many appointments have you made and kept with a therapist you can talk to? Not your pill guy but a real therapist? Did that first one scare you so badly that you would rather live with this pain - and no avenue of any way to cope or rid yourself of it? It is never going to go away and I think you realize that but you need to talk to be able to stare all that ugliness down and try to control it somehow.
ReplyDeleteYou have to take that step to help yourself. Once you do you might have some idea of how to help Billy.
I think you get some self-satisfaction out of cleaning the house but I do understand your frustration of not feeling appreciated. If your family did appreciate it more they would be more considerate in not making their new messes quite so quickly.
We will talk again tomorrow. I don't think you do well alone, eh? Love you, M