I woke again with a powerful feeling of dread. Scared, not sure what to do,..,.. what do you do when you feel that your family need s you to look strong and your body cannot follow my mental urging?
Today, I ask where is God? Where is my strength? Where is my .....me?
Hi Vick:
ReplyDeleteIs this feeling of dread you're having on the level of a panic attack? The thought that you don't want to go anywhere or do anything least of all, wake up? Or the thought of fight or flight - fight to keep your house and home intact or flight to rid yourself of what feels like an overwhelming burden? When I felt this way I always went off somewhere by myself, not to keep busy or have my mind otherwise occupied with other things, but to get to a place that was calming for me. I know it was a lot easier for me without the responsibilities of family that you have, but does it ever calm you not to be home? Or does it scare you to be off alone by yourself? For me, if it was just a day I would go to the park in Neenah by Lake Winnebago where I could see the water, watch the ducks and geese, squirrels and chipmunks or just stare off into the water. It is was more than 2 days I would go to Algoma on the shores of Lake Michigan to a motel right by the water. Just hearing the surf hit shore calmed me and was a great sound to fall asleep by. It was weird, Nan would be off working so I was always home with the dogs alone - perfectly content with that most of the time but there were days I just up and took off. A lot of times I thought of never coming back - be it suicidal thoughts or just flight from what I perceived to be unhappiness and the thought of never having anybody worry about me again. I always came back home feeling a little better if not guilty for taking off. Maybe it's what spurs me to do things so people either resent me or downright hate me. I want the perception of me to be that I am a lazy, irresponsible, loathsome person not worthy of a kind thought. That calms me - because if they expect nothing of me, then I have rid myself of that responsibility. Now there's a f'ed up thought for you. But with you it's different - I feel a kinship to you but I sense I make you worse for some reason.
I'm sorry I can't talk about God with you - I just can't. I'm sorry I upset you today. I love you. Mike